Pan's Den

5 months later....

2008-12-08T19:33:00.000-05:00

It's been close to 5 months since I have wrote anything here. Before I would see things and forget to write about them, others I could never find the right words. Now however I only see my computer for about 2 days or less during the week and spend most of that time catching up on websites and tv shows I have missed in the interim.

Here a few things that happened in the past 5 months:

Have had a girlfriend for nearly 5 months

Have spent more and more nights at her place than my parents

Have watched Saw 1-4 in anticipation for Saw 5 & 6.

Have seen Dark Knight, Death Race, Choke, Saw 5 and Twilight in the theater

Went to see Sevendust and 4 other bands at the Chameleon Club. Funny how I lived in Lancaster for 5 years and never knew where it was in the city.
Went to Philly for the weekend and saw 'My Name is Bruce' and All American Rejects in concert on South Street.

Have made more trips to the bar than I did in my 5 years in Lancaster combined

Have not read any part of any book since I no longer sit at home with nothing to do but play on the internet and watch tv

Spent a week in Florida where I called my soon to be girlfriend everyday, the result of which is a near $200 bill from using my work cell phone

Spent a week in Chicago where again I called her everyday, that bill ended up being $200+

Got a cell phone to prevent future absorbanent bill from work. Still have not quite got the hang of using it to actually call people.

Carved a pumpkin that clocked in at about 3 and a half hours, went on to carve 4 more with total disregard that Halloween had come and gone.

Moved into a new office. This was is motion since I started working there 2 and half years ago. Rumor is we will be moving again in 18 to 24 months.

Just hit the one year mark for having my new car. Does that make it not new anymore?

Been invited to at least 4 Halloween parties. Costume is The Joker from the Dark Knight. Jill will be my Harley Quinn. We made it to my sister's friends party and one of Jill's friend's party.
Have a 10 day trip to El Paso planned for the end of the year.

DisneyWorld

2008-07-22T22:05:00.002-05:00

That would be the one in Florida for those who can not keep them straight. It was a very long week bookended by a joke of an airport in Lancaster. The only airport I know that once you are through security you are standing outside of the terminal and have to go back in to sit down and wait. The only airport where they throw your luggage on a huge pile when you get back and let you have at it like brides looking for a dress.

After plodding through the Magic Kingdom, Epcot, Hollywood Studios and the Animal Kingdom in oppressive heat and with a whiny niece in tow, I was ready for it to be over by Thursday morning. After a week of making fun of how the employees are more than likely making faces at the little kids from behind the mask and having my deoterant utterly and completely failing everyday, I was ready for it to be over.

If Disney has mastered one thing it is this. They know how to diguise the length of their queue lines like no other. You think you are making progress and then turn the corner to see even more people waiting on line in from of you. Unlike Hershey they at least give you things to look at while you shuffle along in the hour long line for the 5 minute ride. Another huge different from Hershey is that there are no games. The atmosphere of summer fair carnival is absent. They F you in A while putting a smile on your face. There is the animatronic orgy known as Splash Mountain that will illustrate my point if you ever ride it.

The only way to get through the week was to call my "friend" everyday. Hearing her voice allowed me to make continue the week with my family and stay in a tolerable mood. Me and her were able to ignite drama at the annual 4th of July party I usually attend. It was mere hours before I left for vacation, making my departure seem like it was happening at a very bad time. Things changed for the good and the bad after that night.

Recap: Housesitting

2008-06-19T23:23:00.002-05:00

Staying in someone else's house and sleeping in their bed when they are not there is kind of weird. By the end of the ordeal, the place was beginning to feel like it was mine. Maybe that is what freedom tastes like.

I made sure to leave the house as close as possible to that way I found it. Apparently I did a really good job since I was questioned whether or not I actually stayed there for the week. The only evidence was a few hairs on a pillow, soda I left in the fridge and a towel in the shower.

The only night I played Wii was Friday night when a girl from work came over for a little while since she had never played before. She beat me. After that we got to talking about work and each other and things did not end smoothly but nothing that could not be mended by a phone call to her as she was driving down the street away from the house. Details of this exchange and subsequent ones are fodder for another day.

I spent most of the week letting the dog in and out of the house every 2o minutes and watching Japanese games shows. I also watched the new HULK movie from the comfort of the couch.

I may get the house again for a few days in August.

Housesitting

2008-06-11T18:10:00.002-05:00

I will be housesititng for my supervisor until sometime next Tuesday. Well really it is dog sitting but his house comes with the package. He is leaving the country so who knows what could happen. This means I can play all growed up and be man of the house. I will refrain from trashing the place, calling in strippers and doing anything that invovles "stunts". It could be ungodly boring or might be a nice get away from my current abode. My goal will be to track down the kick ass chinese food that is near his house and play his Wii like I do't have one myself.

At Work

2008-05-19T19:02:00.003-05:00

We launch our new website this coming Friday. I will be running low on sleep by that point and so, I will be exhibiting the very thing I was reprimanded for on my review recently, being drowsy at work. They were nice and said I need to work on my attentiveness but we all know what that means. This review marked my second year working there and a milestone of being employed for around 30 months straight if you include me previous job.

Today, my sister said I should get into tattooing. She said she knows people I could practice on and people who I could work for. And for some odd reason my mom thought that would be a great idea and even offered her skin to mark up as long as it was small. I might give it a try, what do I have to lose.

High Risk Activity

2008-04-08T21:41:00.002-05:00

Over the weekend I thought I would do a kind gesture and unload the dish washer. I would normally not do this but it was getting extremely difficult to put shit in the sink to be cleaned at a later time. So I emptied the top drawer then opened the door fully and pulled out the bottom drawer to it maximum extension. I was distracted but something and had to cross to the other side of the washer. The only available route was over the top so over I went. I stepped high so I would clear the door and all the pointy utensils sticking out of the basket. It would seem this was a mistake. Upon putting my foot to the floor, a spoon came whizzing past my head at such a high velocity I had no idea what it was until it clanged to a stop against the wall in front of me and fell behind the microwave. My pant leg had launched this spoon into a blur that was inches from hitting me in the head. It could have easily been something sharper and more accurate. I was not aware I need a helmet to unload the dishwasher.

A recent dream

2008-03-18T22:33:00.001-05:00

I was wandering through a used book sale at some university. The shelves were packed with both new and old books. I happen across a 'Clockwork Orange' themed 13 month calendar. This had obviously seen better days since the corners where bend, there was a slight warping due to water and the staple was barely able to contain all of the pages. I tucked this under my arm and continued on my way.

Rounding the next corner I spotted Kat Von D, but in this instance, she filled the role of the art student that has been around so long she is now seen as an art professor's assisstant. We had some exchange of words from which all I remember is me saying, "You know where I live, don't even act like you don't." This had something to do with dropping a project off at the art building and then taking her home.

Next thing I know, the both of us are at the end of the checkout line filling huge tupperware bins with tossed salad that has been spread off over the floor. Everything is going as one would expect with such a task until one of the times I look up from the floor to see construction workers walking around and the queue of people is no where in sight. Kat and I look around to see gutted walls in the process of being refurbished and an electrician on a ladder poking around in the ceiling. This electrican then starts a verbal countdown, "3..2..1..". When he reaches the end everything is engulfed in total darkness and moments later I woke up.

What actually happened on 03-08-08

2008-03-09T21:58:00.002-05:00

Shortly after eating Chinese on Friday night, my sister was stricten with what we have concluded must have been food poisoning. She had the dog out when the fireworks began. She left several indicators of what she had for dinner in the front yard.

For the rest of the night, she was in the bathroom every 30 minutes or so either vomitting or shitting, sometimes both at the same time. This put her trip to New York in question. Come the next morning the trip was called off and she spend most of the day in bed drinking ginger ale.

I ended up doing laundry while waiting for details of the night activities. I ended up meeting 2 couples for bowling. I told them how great it was to be out of a house that smells of shit and vomit. In 3 games a managed a meager total score of 240. After that we went to eat where we had a server who had to be into the Ren Faire because of this semi-theatrical introduction of the specials and his annoying ability to not stop talking. When the checks came he referred to me as "Mr. Swinger" since he had spent the whole time trying to find out which couple I was associated with.

I returned home that night, with my parents car no where in sight which answers the question I posed previously.

03-08-08

2008-03-07T23:42:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow I have to get up early to drive my sister and niece to E-town to get on a train for New York. But before sending them on their way, we are making a brief stop at Fractured Prune.

After they are gone I will have the whole day to myself to do whatever happened to pop into my head. I plan on going to a book/rummage sale, I have a feeling it is going to be a waste of time, but I figure why not. Then I plan on going to a real bookstore. After that, which will probably be around 10am, I will have a lot of time and nowhere in particular I need to be. There is a potential for bowling early in the evening but there is still a lot of time in between.

The real question is when do my parents get back from their trip? Is it today or tomorrow that "Grandparents of the Caribbean" draws to a close?

gullible

2008-02-27T00:03:00.002-05:00

At work the other day, an idea was culled from various conversations to manipulate a photo of a coworker and put a tattoo on his arm. Not having a good picture to perform this feat, I had to use a picture I harvested from Google.

After about 10 minutes of work, I had morphed his head on a body of similar build and put a portrait of an employee from a different department, forensics to be exact, on his arm. In the end it did not look too bad. I actually spent more time looking for the picture to use then I did editting it.

I would come to find out that it was better then I thought. Both people involved thought it was a real picture for different reasons. I was told by a coworker that, "You know it's a good picture when the person in it questions when the picture was taken and then realizes it's a fake." After telling my sister the story, she added, "You know it was good when you fool the CSI guy at work."

Of course my boss 2 levels up saw it as well and mentioned that perhaps I need more real work to do.

Just my luck

2008-02-12T19:04:00.000-05:00

As for an update, well I managed to get my ass back to the store a 2nd and then 3rd time trying not to come off as creepy. I also bought stuff everytime based on her recommmendations. I conversed with her and then went on my way. Things were going well until I learned some things. 1. She is married and 2. she is into God and Jesus, seriously what are the chances of the second when you work in a store like that. The first thing I can understand, that is my luck because this is not the first time that has happened. It's a real kick in the slats.

Part of me wishes I had wussed or she had ignored me because now I don't know what to do, while the other part of me thinks it is cool I talked to someone I don't know and uttered more than 5 syllables and as a bonus it was someone from HT.

Maybe, if someone would not have ignored my repeated phone calls I could have saved myself from feeling stupid. Perhaps I could have gotten advised on looking for clues of her status.

Regardless I am still considering wearing a tie every now and then. You know in the top button undone, loose tie kind of way that says yeah I am a slave to the man but I have the heart of a tortured genius, or something like that. Somehow that works for me.

Maybe I would wear a tie everyday

2008-02-06T23:40:00.000-05:00

Today, I talked to a girl at Hot Topic about what to wear for V-day at the Blue Mohito Bar.

She noticed I was a little dressed up to be walking around in there and we talked a little. We parted ways and I putzed around a little more trying to convince myself to talk to her again. Then with a stroke of genius I pulled out the party wear reason and I figured since I really did need help she would be perfect. It did not even phase her one bit. She led me in a whurlwind tour around the store showing me everything she could come up with. She was attractive and she made me laugh. I agreed to buy something to show she was not wasting her time with me and told her I would be back if I need more help.

Now I want to come up with a way to talk with her again and not have to buy the over priced apparrel they have there.

Recent Conversations

2008-01-27T20:46:00.000-05:00

Another in the long string of lame jokes my niece either hears at school or reads in a book.

Arabelle: "Have you ever heard of the book 'The Yellow River' by I.P. Daily?
Me: "No."
Arabelle: "Haha, it was a joke. Get it, I pee daily."

After paying for lunch and walking to the car with 2 guys from work.

Guy1: "Do you even have a bank card?"
Guy2: "Yeah, I was wondering the same thing."
Me: "Yes I have a bank card."
Guy2: "Yeah he probably doesn't even have a bank account."
Guy1 : "I bet he keeps his money at home in his mattress."

I could not let that stand. I could not let that be the last word. If you are going to make fun of me do it right. I used their usual taunt of me being into Death Metal against them.

Me: "Actually, I keep it at home in my satanic altar."
Guy1: "You have a Santanna altar?"
Me: "Yes, I have an altar to Carlos Santanna at home."
Guy2: "Hahahaha."
Me: "It's where I perform various rituals to the latino guitar player and listen to his catchy melodies."
Guy1: "What?"
Guy2: *well he just continued to laugh*

On Friday at lunch, I heard my job compared to a group of monkeys trying to fuck a football. That is actually pretty accurate.

On my day off

2007-12-20T00:37:00.000-05:00

Last Wednesday I took off work. Rather than sit around the house or visit the usual retail establishments, I took a short trip. Planning my stops the night before, come the morning I was off to the land of the Amish. Yes, I went back to Lancaster for the first time in about 4 years.

My first stop was at the Sonic that had arisen since my departure so long ago. I had never been to a Sonic before which became ubundantly clear when I was prevented in my attempt to enter the building. I was intercepted by an employee asking if they could help me. I told her I did not know how to order. She explained my option as either drive thru or pull into a spot with a speaker and they would bring the food to me. This meant having to eat in my car. I have never been keen on that unless it was at a drive-in theater.

After that it was onto the expensive gourment store to sample all the sauces, jellies and jams they entrusted customers with to keep sanitary as they dredge preztels inside plastic bubbles. This was mostly a way to stall for time while I was waiting for a few used book stores to open. When the time rolled around, I drove through downtown Lancaster like I had been there just yesterday. Everything was where I had left it. There were no surprises in way for new traffic patterns or shiny new stores that I might want to stroll through. No, It was as if everything just stopped moving forward. I would not be suprised if most of the people I worked with during my short tenure at the temp agency were still there toiling away in the recesses of Lancaster. If there were differences none of them warrented my attention.

My journeys eventually lead me to the Park City Mall. The parking lot was nearly full, which I have never seen before. I blame this on the current time of year. Anyway, as I walked through the throngs of people inside, I was again greeted with barely anything noteworthy that could be construde as change. I mean the Victoria's Secret had doubled in size and now has multi-tiered displays of models showing off their wares, but other than that, everything else was just a different veneer on the same old stores that seem to have always existed there. It was ridiculously hot with all of the extra people crammed inside so I had to leave empty handed so I could avoid possibly passing out in some awkward position in the middle of the mall.

It was about lunch time by now and I could only think of one food that would make the trip worth it. A chicken parm from Two Cousins. Seriously it makes me mouth water just thinking about it. It did not dissappoint either. The one thing I had hoped stayed the same did just that. Prepared by the same people in their dirty white shirts as always, in a building with a perilous exit, with a delivery car beat up beyond recognition.

That was my trip into the past which I really don't see myself making again for quite awhile unless necessity warrants another visit. Or I need another chicken parm.

stupid conversations

2007-12-10T20:25:00.000-05:00

As I was wandering the through Borders the other day, I overheard a phone conversation that went as follows:

Random Guy: *rambles about some high schooler who plays football*" ...he's as fit as a..a fox."
Person on the phone: *inaudible response that became obvious moments later*
Random Guy: "Yes!, A fox."

Not a phrase I had heard before which, apparently the guy on the other end of the phone had not either.

As my mom, sister, niece and I wandered through the mall my mom said to me,
Mom: "If you happen to see anything that tickles your fancy let me know."
Sister: *making a smartass remark* "Where is your fancy?"
Me: *never one to let an oppurtunity like that slide* "When it gets tickled, I'll let you know."
Sister: *gave me a look when she realized she walked right into that one"

Sleepwalker

2007-12-04T00:25:00.000-05:00

My niece has a tendency to sleepwalk. This is nothing new but tends to come and go dependent on who knows what. She walks around talking incoherently with her eyes open and does not remember the experience the next day. From what my sister says, you can not wake her up, even if you shake her a little she remains the same. She is able to navigate around things but has no idea what is going on.

This evening she walked past my room, then walked the other way, then walked in to ask me a question.
She said, "Can I........since I'm........doing this today.........can I have........a.........um". At this point she sat in my bed and continued with saying,"um....some small furniture." To which I replied with a quizzical tone, "Small furniture?" She confirmed with a yes and then I asked her to follow me as I lead her back to her room where she found her bed and went back to sleep.

Flying Taco

2007-11-28T00:43:00.000-05:00

Walking back to lunch today, there was an extra companion in tow. This would have to be the soft taco that remained uneaten. As a gesture of kindness one of the guys decided he would feed the torilla to the innocent ducks that swam below the bridge we crossed on the way to get said tacos.

Then there we were, 6 IT employees watch in amazement as small bit of tortilla floated through the air and splashed down in the creek below and the ducks raced through the water to see who would be the first to eat the mexican treat. After the avian troops had gathered, the person who had been breaking up the taco launched a salvo upon them. He hurled the whole remainants of the taco upon the unsuspecting ducks. It hit nothing but water but managed to turn the surrounding area into a large brown streak as it flowed down the creek and send the duck fleeing. The one guy laughed so hard we thought he was going to pass out. They should really stop giving us free tacos at Taco Bell.

Other Green

2007-11-08T22:30:00.000-05:00

As election day wound to a close we all found ourselves at The Coliseum. I was called away as is the case when I start enjoy something. I threw my shoes down and stormed out of the building having abandoned my bowling to be completed by my co-workers.

Upon my return they had saddled up to the bar to order food. The bartender realized I did not have a tab started when I went to order and she proceeded to call me "Other Green". This was based on the fact that I was the second person from our party with a green shirt on. I told her I would not be offended if she called me Caveman, but those words were lost to the ether by the crashing sounds of bowling pins and various sporting events.

As the night went on we joked around with her and her coworker Ashley discussing lesbian dinosaurs, gay sperm and beaver coins. I wish I knew more about them so I might have better odds of finding them on myspace because it is nearly impossible right now. I would go back but there is no guarantee they would be there, I don't know how I feel about going drinking by myself, and I have little to no people skills.

Last Ride Pt1

2007-11-01T21:46:00.000-05:00

Driving home Saturday night I noticed my battery light had come on and stayed that way for the entirety of my trip. This was not the first time it had come on in recent weeks but I had ignored it before since it would flicker and go out at random times. This time it was here to stay and would only occassionally wink at me then return to it's glowing red stare.

Sunday I took my car to Advance so they could test to see if it was the battery or the alternator. It was determined to be the alternator so my dad and I brought it back home on what power I have no idea since it would seem I have been driving off just the battery for some time now.

We fought with an engine that did not want to give up the secrets it contained. Upon removing the passenger side wheel it was discovered that it was horribly balanced and was worn down to the threads in some spots. This was problem number 2. We struggled for hours to find a way to rend the part from the car but to no avail. We swapped some wheels around on the car and called it night with the intention I would take it to Pep Boys in the morning and let them deal with it.

The thought had crossed my mind that maybe I should get a different car but that was outweighed by the fact that it would be cheaper to fix the one I have. What I would need to fix would be the alternator, the balding wheel and the alignment of the front end of my car in order to save any future wheels that would be mounted there. The next morning things would change.

My Kick Ass Pumpkins

2007-10-27T11:51:00.000-05:00

This year I tried to make "extreme" pumpkins. This meaning that you carve different the outside to varying depths to produce detail and shading, so something along those lines. Anyway, I have never tried this before and here are the results.

A close up of the better one.

What I saw today

2007-10-22T23:47:00.000-05:00

Today I came across a rabbit bathing in a pumpkin,
that is kind of weird.
I said 'Hello',
He told me his name was Ricky,
then he dried himself with a potato.
Breaking News.

~Arabelle (The middle name my niece had made up for herself, which is not close to her real one.)

Todat at work, I saw a guy sit down with a Lincoln Log cabin of Hot Pockets and a sub from a grocery store for lunch. He ate all 4 blocks from the Jenga tower of Hot Pockets(2 Meatball and Cheese and 2 Philly Cheesesteak) and his 12" sub in awe from all the coworkers who were spectating.

Movies

2007-10-15T21:02:00.000-05:00

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
I was kind of bored by this. I think I might have even fallen asleep by the end. I would have to believe that the book was better. Maybe what I needed was someone with me to give me the cliff notes version of what I missed like when I have seen all of the others, except number 3, which I have not seen.

Sunshine
After watching a slight fuzzy copy, all I can think of is the Scarecrow vs. the Human Torch. It reminded me of 2001 but not so much going to Jupiter to study the monolith and more like flying toward the sun to create a new sun inside. This is the second mission to do so which lends itself from 2010 for those who are keep track. It was a pretty decent movie but my not appeal to a large audience, hence the limited release.

Resident Evil Extinction
The movie did not really do it for me like the previous ones. There was some ok action scenes but not enough story to balance the movie. They take a lot of inspiration from zombie films of the past. On a whim they decide they are going to drive to Alaska because somehow that was not affected by the virus. Well had they managed to see 30 Days of Night they would clearly know that there are vampires there.

Flight of the Living Dead
An interesting idea, zombie on a plane, yeah I wonder where they got that idea *ahem* Snakes on a Plane. Basically they are transporting Tori Amos in a cooler, she gets out and people are chased like the Scooby gang around the planewhile the passengers fall to the Dark Side. One particular scene might make you a little leery of using the airplane bathroom from now on. What I can’t understand is how hard is it to stay away from the zombie hole? I mean really.

Death Race 2000
I did not really know what to expect from this one. A trans-continental race where the racers score points for running people over. It had that hypnotic allure that dystopian movies from the 70s seem to have for me. America is united by a violent race whose star racer goes by the name Frankenstein. It did not end the way I thought, not that I could even try to predict were such a movie was going.

Phallic fundraising

2007-08-15T22:42:00.000-05:00

Today I discussed with my supervisor how to represent the status of a fundraiser on our website. We settled on the stereotypical thermometer approach, which was the method that was suggested to us from the person requesting the site.

After sketching a few designs as to how to accomplish this I took a step back and realized that a sheet of paper covered in crudely drawn thermometers in varying directions and statures looks remarkable like a field of penises. Having to share this newly found observation, I was promptly told to shred the paper after we were done and not to leave it laying around, even in the trash can. Although I think some hilarity would ensue, I had to agree. I also had to add that with one line I could make things so much worse, which of course I did just to prove a point.

The flaccid thermometer which would grow as it reached climax would have been quite the skeptical.

Lame Jokes

2007-07-10T22:43:00.000-05:00

A couple of jokes I heard this weekend at July 4th party from a person that was a few sheets to the wind. It was later discussed that the jokes are just not funny, but it was his delivery that made all the difference.

Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
No.
Well then, I guess it works.

What makes the loudest noise in the jungle?
An elephant when a gy-raff eats cherries.

The funniest part is that by the end of the sequence of jokes, the guy was so red in the face and short of breathe everyone else could not help but laugh with him.

And a few more I have heard.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A lic-a-lot-a-puss.

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
My-ass-is-sore-us.

A few things...

2007-07-02T21:01:00.000-05:00

No, I did not forget I have a blog. Now that that is over here as we go.

My dad has a miniscal tear in his right knee. He is getting surgery on July 3rd. He will be off work 6 to 8 weeks. There is not word whether or not he will need physical therapy.

The family went on vacation last week leaving me alone with the dog for a week. They came home a day early. Glad I got all the drugged up half naked trick turners out earlier in the week.

I recently reached the 30,000th mile I have put on my car since I bought it nearly 3 years ago.

They had to let the new girl at work go for as they called it, "inconsistence of job". I can be honest when I say that in the 3 monthes she was there I might have had only 2 conversations with her.

My 21 years old cousin had her baby via C-section over last weekend. I have heard he is very small and his name is Aiden (I thnk that is how you spell it). If children in this family are born approximately 4 years apart, then I missed my window.

I got a virus(es) on my pc early last week that made it nearly impossible to work on and not get frustrated. The spyware and virus would come in as fast as I could get rid of them. So I had to regrettingly throw in the towel on the BEAN MACHINE. I had to start over and in doing so chose a new name for my PC. Although inheriting much from it's predicessor, this interation will be known as OSIDIAN.

The Library Card

2007-05-03T19:38:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder how buying a piece of exercise equipment on craigs list would lead one to getting a library card? Well look no further. I would not have believed if I had not been along for the ride.

My sister had been stalking a Gazelle online. It make her sound like a lioness stating it that way but she really was. She had stumbled across the Tony Little gliding contraption called the Gazelle. She asked me to go along to pick it up for 2 reasons. One was that she did not was to go by herself to some stranger's house and she needed cash, she only carries plastic.

We went outside of Hershey to get it and while on the way there we passed several packs of VWs driving in the opposite direction. Thinking nothing of it at first she then spoutted something about a VW owners' gathering that these people must be going to.

We picked up the Gazelle and upon pulling out of the neighborhood, one of them honked at her. She took this as in invitation and we followed for a few miles until she got a little disheartened with no apparent destination is sight. She has a compulsion to know things but does not what to wait for things. She wanted to drive home to look it up online but then if she wanted to go she would have to drive all the way back to where we were. This is when I suggested the library 2 block away.

Next thing I know, we are in the library and she is signing herself up for a card, which she has not had in at least 15 years, so she can log onto the computers there to look it up. She searched for a bit and then turned to me because she had exhausted her searching capabilites. I found the information relatively quickly. It turned out that the VW fest was over an the people we saw were on her way home. And soon there after so were we.

So it took a mere 4 minutes total of searching to find this answer. But it illustrates how nosy and to what lengths my sister is willing to go to find something out.

Names for my sister's dog

2007-04-09T20:44:00.000-05:00

Today I came home to find that Ruby had taken it upon herself to redecorate by ripping up the flowers I got my mom for Easter and then proceeding to spread the dirt from one end of the room to the other. I took pictures because no one would believe the extent of the chaos had I not.

This made me think of the various names I have used to describe my sister's dog besides the obvious ones that sprang to mind as I had to clean up her mess.

1) Chimera - head of one animal, body of another
2) Hoppity - she hops around on 2 legs when she gets excited and hooked on a leash
3) Grumbles - she complains a lot
4) Rhombus - my sister used the word square, which is a legitimate term when referring to the height to length comparison on a dog. I thought it should be a little more skew than that.
5) Bu-Dunka-Dog - it was late and it was funny leave me alone
6) Rump Shaker - she shakes her ass when she is excited, or wants something
7) Woolly Mammoth - she is quite hairy for a chihuahua
8) The Ring Leader - well this is pending, waiting to see if my sister gets the teacup chihuahua she wants

2007-03-14T22:11:00.000-05:00

After about 10 trailers, my eyes did not deviate from what I can only describe as Lord of the Rings meets Braveheart. It was a little strange watching a Scottish actor who was once Dracula, totted around the world with Lara Croft and travelled in time only to end up loosing an ear and getting stuck there, play King of the Spartans.

It was actually very accurate when compared to the comic book that was written years ago. It seemed like that was where half the script came from.

Most of the Spartans had six packs but a few of them managed to have 8 packs. I would have to assume that if the movie is popular there will be slew of Halloween costumes come October. And how many gyms will offer people the oppurtunity for a Spartan body, you know you want one.

Drunken Frog in Bear Suit

2007-03-08T21:09:00.000-05:00

damn snow

2007-02-22T20:41:00.000-05:00

Last Tuesday we walked to lunch about a half a mile in the snow just to find out that the place we wanted to eat at was closed because the the snow. Taco Bell can be kind of lame that way.

On V-day it had snowed enough that I had to call off work seeing as how the snow was higher that the bottom of my car. What made it worse was I had to use my own time to cover the whole day even though work was only open for a total of 4 hrs.

The snow also meant that I would not be leaving the house that night. I tried to set up a date, but that did not materialize. The introductory date before the 14th never happened either so no plans were even made for that evening. I have not heard from the girl since.

On Thursday, I realize I was stuck in the driveway and that my wipers did not work. I eventually rocked my car out but the wipers were a no go. Rather than call off another day because of something stupid like that, I went on my merry way to work having to pull over every 10-15 miles to wipe off the windshield. I had to do that same Friday.

It was not until Saturday that I had chance to look at it and discover that the wiper motor was encased in a solid block of ice which prevented it from moving.

With my wipers not working at the time and parts of I-81, I-78 and the Turnpike closed, there was not plausible way for me to make it Philly for BK's party at the Blue Mohito Bar. So that is 2 years I have missed that particular gathering.

Parking at work is ridiculous. I have to park 2 blocks away at the grocery store because the streets are not clear enough to allow parking on the sides unless you have a SUV or truck.

She is no ordinary dog.

2007-02-07T20:45:00.000-05:00

Here we have Ruby, your typical chicuaua-terrier mix. Black brindle in color with pink collar decorated in skulls. How could you not trust a face like that?

Doesn't she look so innocent. Most would say so, but I know better.

Here I found her in her secret hideout planning her next diabolical scheme.

Shortly afterward, she stared me down with a gaze would that indicate that she is not one to be trifled with and that I too would succumb to her will.

Monday:

She tipped over some flowers and proceed to dig in the dirt for a while covering both the table and the floor in the immediate vicinity.

Tuesday:

She knocked a plastic container of brownies on the floor in the kitchen. Amazingly they all appeared to have landed in the lid. After their disposal, one was found on the couch. The raises the question of whether or not she ate a few after cracking open this chocolaty treasure chest.
Around 1030 that night, it became clear she was riding a sugar high when she would not stop running in circles and could not sit still for more than a few seconds.

Wednesday

My mom came home to discover Ruby had opened both a bottle of advil and a bottle of Dimetapp. Child caps be damned, she wants to live the rock and roll lifestyle.
Around 830 that night, it became clear she was not going to be sitting still anytime soon seeing as how she was tearing ass around the living room and nearly launching herself over the back of the couch and down the stairs.

Who knows what kind of trouble she will find herself in tomorrow. What could possible stand in the way of a dog with a brain the size of a walnut. Stay tuned for the next exciting adventure of Ruby the Wonder Mutt.

I was not my idea, but I had to help make it happen

2007-01-25T23:35:00.000-05:00

The new website design goes live tomorrow. I think it is a little premature but it's too late to stop it now. It was not my design, but I was part of the people that had to make it happen. Even after 200hrs of work, I'm sure changes will be made in the upcoming weeks.

As it stands now, a very cartoon element has been changed to look a little more professional. There was no way our site would have been taken seriously with the image that way it was.

Some foreseeable problems might be that some pages will have an X-mas theme while there is the transition from one site template to the next. Depending on how long the change over takes, some pages will have a mix of red and green menu headers. One site in particular may look like McD's unless they change their color scheme.

Idiocracy

2007-01-08T22:22:00.000-05:00

I got to see the Mike Judge movie that was never released in theaters like I had hoped it would be. It's kinda like Futrama meets Beavis and Butthead. It has it's moments like a food chain called Butt Fuckers ( the descedant incarnation of Fudd Ruckers) but I kind of understand why it was not released nationally. I don't think it would have done well.

I also saw Larry the Cable: Health Inspector. My parents can't rent good movie to save themselves.

Then there was DOA: Dead or Alive. A movie based on a fighting video game that has female combatants. This movie does not even have a release date in the US yet. I don't really know how they expect to make money with it, it's not so good.

And I am currently working toward having a date for V-day. We'll see how that works out.

A few things...

2006-12-17T17:30:00.000-05:00

..because the past 2 weeks have been relatively uneventful.

SSX Blur, as of now, is said to be a Wii exclusive. I may have to look into getting one of those at some point. There is a sample of video on YouTube.
SSX Blur

My supervisor and I both spent a whole day playing Bowmaster Prelude at work. We were not so productive that day.

Apparently my car has a sports package I was not aware of, making my tires a tad expensive.

My monitor still has not returned from it's trip to the West coast. Who knows, maybe it is getting pimped.

I got sucked into watching SciFi's The Lost Room. The whole 6 hour miniseries. I did not watch The Office x-mas special because I still don't find the show funny. I am looking forward to the Doctor Who X-mas special in about week.

headless pc

2006-11-27T22:39:00.000-05:00

My nice 19 inch flat panel monitor is having an identity crisis and would insist that is it now a paperweight that needs to be plugged in rather than my window to the internets. It turns on like normal but only stays that way for a few seconds before it flickers and the display goes black. This, a mere 3 weeks before the warranty runs out. It was like pulling teeth, especially with the holiday, to get a service request in motion to get it fixed. So off to Cali to goes for a little vacation away from my servitude. It should be well rested and possibly sporting a tan, and a bright and shiny drug addiction when it gets back.

Election day

2006-11-16T22:51:00.000-05:00

So I worked election day again. I started on time this year, at 6am. Last time it was closer to 7 since I forgot some stuff at home and had to go back for it. I slowly worked my way through all 10 precincts I was assigned to and by 9:30 I was pulling out of the parking lot of my last one. That is when I got a phone call that soured my mood for the rest of the day.

I got a call that I had to go back to every machine I had just looked at and recalibrate the touch screens on all of them as well as writing down the serial number for each machine. I think the second part was a way to verify we actually did it. This meant I had to go look at all 71 machines, the most out of any of the rovers, and wait to jump- in between voters. This took me until 2pm to finish. I worked 8 hours straight with no break, it was not fun. I was pissed for the rest of the day. I was called during lunch and I simply ignored the phone. The guy had to call 3 times before I would eventually pick it up.

He was calling to ask where the drop off the replacement machine I had requested. After I ate I went to set it up and them made my third and final round to make sure the judges were competent enough to close that the end of the night. Most of them were but there was one that gave me trouble all day, so I had to be there when they closed at the end of the night.

This election was not the walk in the park it was last time. I had a total of about 3 hrs to myself in my 17 hr work day. I was quite delirious by the end of the night.

Examples:

I asked to whoever was listening,"What is a pirate's favorite food?" "Arrrrrrby's"
I then said it was a medical necessity to have to carry a hot beef sandwich with me at all times. I had to use it like and inhaler, which I then demonstrated.
I discovered that 'Diarrhea Icicle' would make a good band name. Someone was kind enough to rephrase it as 'Shitcile' which is good too.
I did a retard dance in the middle of Giant and kept refering to one of my co-workers as 'Rocket Sauce'
And I swear I say a whore in leopard print accompanied by her sailing pimp who had a neck brace instead of a hat.

it's not my job

2006-11-12T16:26:00.000-05:00

Over the years I have been mistaken for working at multiple places. For a guy who could not find I job forever, at times I found it frustrating. I'm sure everyone gets mistaken for being employed somewhere they are not that from time to time. I think it may have something to do with what I am wearing at the time.

A list of some of the places people have thought I worked at:

Hot topic
Waldenbooks
Borders
Cupboard Books (a used book store)
Old Navy
Bed, Bath and Beyond
Spencer's
Best Buy

The latest being Best Buy a few days ago. I stopped after work to pick up a movie. I stopped in after work and was wearing a reddish shirt and khaki pants. I looked more like I belonged in Target then Best Buy. Regardless, someone asked me if I worked there. I said 'No' and they said I had fooled them because of the badge I had dangling from my belt loop. Blue, black and maybe white shirts are possible in that store for employees to wear, but not red or any of it's variants. For the rest of the day I kept mulling over in my head how retarded that guy was.

conversations

2006-11-05T22:26:00.000-05:00

Let me give you a little peek into the things I tend to hear in my daily routine. It is really getting harder and harder to keep a straight face when talking to some people.

One day at lunch, we talked for a few minutes about the one guy's wife's recently broken foot.

Me: Yeah, once the muscle atrophies, it will slide right in.
Guy 1: I don’t even know what that means, what did say, apostrophe?
Me: * uncontrollable laughter* No, atrophy.
Guy 1: A trophy?
Guy 2: Not a trophy, atrophy.
Me: Did you really just say apostrophe? * start laughing again*

As I walked into the morning meeting, I was greeted with:

Guy 1: Hey it’s Mister Salmon. (making a reference to the color of my shirt which was in reality more red-orange)
Me: What the hell kind of salmon do you eat?
Girl 1: Yeah Mr. Blue, Mr. Blue Green (he having a blue shirt and the last name of Green)
Guy 1: Wouldn’t that be Mr. Yellow? Green and blue make yellow.
Me: (I look at him in all seriousness) You’re retarded.
Guy 1: Well that is besides the point.
Guy 2: Green and blue make brown right?
Me: No, they don’t.
Guy 2: Well it’s at least a dark color.
Girl 1: Green and blue make purple.
Me: No, that would be red and blue.
Girl1: Oh yeah, your right.Me: Apparently no one here knows how to mix colors.
Guy 1: Wait yellow is a primary, oh I get it now.
Girl 1: I tried to make black food coloring so I could make some bats, I ended up with brown.
Guy 1: They make black coloring you know.
Girl 1: I did not feel like going to buy some.
Guy 1: Well then I guess it is some new kind of bat, a brown pygmy bat.
Me: Pygmy?
Girl 1: Yeah that would make it white.
Me: No that is albino.

Having a conversation with a 7 year old.

K: When you put this dress on her it looks like she has junk in the trunk. (referring to a Happy meal toy)
Me: What does that mean?
K: That it is full of sweets.
Me: *laugh*
K: Or it really big.
Me: *laughs harder* There's an 'OR' HAHAHAHAHAAA

my name is not Skip

2006-10-29T16:08:00.000-05:00

Last Thursday, as they occassionally say at my work, "They did me one dirty".

My boss and the webmaster managed to get free lunch from a representative from the website content company that we use to manage our site. He took the both of them out to lunch to discuss things I could only guess about seeing as how I was not invited. I did not even find out about it until I was already a lunch and someone asked why I did not go with them. I had to claim ignorance because I had been kept in the dark about this planned lunch meeting. I was not that pissed since I did not know about before hand but they had all day to say something to me about it and neither of them said anything. If I had known about it for like a week and they said nothing then I would have been pissed.

Later on, when someone jokingly brought it up, the webmaster claimed that it was not his decision to exclude me. Sounds a little fishy but whatever.

Ruby Red

2006-10-24T23:07:00.000-05:00

My sister's dog has finally gone into heat for the first time starting about a week and a half ago. I thought she was wiping her ass in my bed, I was wrong.

Apparently what I am about to say my be a little much, don't say I did not warn you.

For the next week or so I have had to clean spots of blood off of my bed sheet and my arm after I carried her somewhere. On Friday, I put her down and it looked like I had been shot. * imagine a visual of me indicating the effected area* Her nipples are erect and her, as my sister calls it, junk it all swollen. Ruby actually rubbed the aforementioned junk on my sister's arm, to with I could not help but laugh about. I guess as an animal, the only sense of hygiene is to lick the effected area, which she has done on numerous occasions now.

Hopefully, when this is over, my sister will find time in her oh so busy schedule to get the dog fixed before another episode of doggie cooter theater.

training

2006-10-17T20:20:00.000-05:00

I was in training all last week learning about the exciting world of Visual Basic .NET. I barely managed to stay awake for most of it. Not my fault really. Here's how it went down.

I was going to learn something that I have basically taught to myself in the past few months. I do not know everything and I was hoping this class would fill in the gaps. Anyway, The book had 11 Chapters, and each chapter ranged from 35 to 80 pages in length. The most of the pages are split in half with the top being an example or topic highlights and the bottom being an explanation. Well the instructor, and I call him this because he is far from an actual teacher, had a powerpoint of the top portions.

So with all that in mind, my week consisted of an overhead voice, he stood in the back of the room at a computer most of the week, paraphrasing the book while we looked at the a powerpoint for nearly every agonizing page of the book, cover to cover. He stood in front of any notes he managed to write and then promptly erased them before anyone saw them. There were labs that took upwards of an hour to finish, of which I might have done half.

The deck was stacked against me. I had no choice but to dose off everyday.

fire pies

2006-10-10T21:03:00.000-05:00

Ok, I guess they could be called mountain pies as well. Irregardless, I had a few last Saturday night and for the most part they turned out edible. Except for that one that was on the verge of transforming into a bricket. For those of you who don;t know, it's a toasted sandwich you make in a fire.

On Saturday, a few guys from work and a couple of their wives gathered to sit and drink around a fire. It was supposed to be 12 to 15 people. It ended up being more like 6. So with 4 cases of beer and only 6 people you can do that math to show that is a lot of beer.

We played beer pong, which is not easy by firelight, and bitched about work like everyone does. I remember using a wooden fence to hold myself up from falling over from laughter. Beer makes things funnier.

At the end of the night I came home with a large chocolate bar and a bag of marshmallows that were meant for smores that never happened as well as about half the case of beer I had brought. I am now storing it at an undisclosed location for future consumption.

gross

2006-10-08T13:07:00.000-05:00

Remember back to when I said I cleared out my room and put most of my clothes and other things I had yet to go thourgh outside under a blue tarp. Well I finally got around to looking at this stuff because I need a pair of pants and they were all outside.

I lifted the tarp and looked in the garbage bag to find it not as waterproof as I had hoped. My clothes were soaked having set outside for a few weeks now. I peeled them apart to reveal every color and texture of mold imaginable. This is not cool. This contained all my good clothes from the inital sorting. Now having looked over these clothes it is uncertain if I can salvage any of them. I looks like because of my own negligence, I have to buy new clothes. I mean some of these clothes I have had for years and they needed replaced, but I wanted to part with them on my own terms.

I also had a bin completely filled with water that smelled bad. This effectively decimated my stockpile of boxers and white socks.

The few things I had refused to keep out there were my NES games and my books. So at least they are safe for now.

aval-ranch-e

2006-09-28T18:36:00.000-05:00

I went to lunch on Thursday by myself. Everyone else either brought lunch or were not around. They offered to wait for me to get something so that I could eat with them. I walked down the street to Subway. I ordered my sub, they toasted it, then asked me what sauce I wanted. I said Ranch. The guy squeezed the applicator bottle and the cap fell off into my sub followed by most of the fluidy contents. I now had a Ranch sub waiting for me. My meat was swimming in white dressing. And then the guy looked up to catch my eye. I think he was looking for approval, like he could pawn this mess off on me. Perhaps the ever present look of being pissed scrawled on my face was enough for him because he immediately threw it away and rushed to make another one up to the point of progress we had left off at. I'm beginning to not like Subway that much anymore. It may just be the one near where I work.

out for a drink

2006-09-28T18:30:00.000-05:00

I went out Tuesday night for a drink with the last person you would ever expect. If you guessed it before you read this good for you. Yes, it was Aaron. Mr.RSX himself. I don't know what made me agree to it but I really did not feel like doing nothing when I had the chance to actually do something. Do I really need to say more than that? I will not share the minutes from our meeting but I will admit to the possibblity that it could happen again.

new things that aren't mine

2006-09-24T19:05:00.000-05:00

A few days after I got my car back, my sister's car started making funny noises which was probably the precursor to the transmission falling out. She knew it was expensive to fix so she decided to get a new car. But the thing is, she has no patience. She wanted to go out and buy a car that night even though she has no money. That night she test drove a PT Cruiser with flames on the side. She did not get that. But the very next day I came home from work and she told me that she found a car and that she could have it in the next few days. It's a silver 2000 Jetta.

On Saturday, my parents had a new refridgerator and stove delivered. They paid to have the old ones removed which meant that it was goodbye to the only fridge and stove I have known in this house. They were an awful yellow and were older than I am. I am still adjusting to the change. Ruby was closed in the bathroom the whole time. She was not happen camper and made her presence known as her bark and growls echoed out. I could not help but laugh when one of the delivery guys slipped up in the stairs in the water that had just leaked out of the fridge they just took outside.

I was told that by the end of the week my neighbors would have a second garage. Last week came and went the all that is there is a cement slab which had been done the week before that.

I have yet to get myself anything for myself. I can't decide what to get.

It seems like every six months...

2006-09-17T13:37:00.000-05:00

...I am without a car. I got home Friday night and parked my car as usual in the driveway. Come Saturday when I went to leave, my car would not start. There were no warning signs, just a huge hunk of metal, plastic and rubber that refused to be a car. It was back in November when the fuel pump went bad, in March my fuel injectors got clogged, who knows what this problem will end up being. I'm beginning to believe the feeling that have have had for a while now. "Never let Pep Boys touch your car." I got my car inspected there in July. Me thinks that may not have been the wisest thing to do.

I am just shy of having the car 2 years and have only put about 17,000 miles on it. Why can't it wait until I have some more money saved up to start acting up? Because of this I have to put off buying myself something for my b-day, well at least until I find out how much it will cost me to fix it.

the roof is done

2006-09-10T21:31:00.000-05:00

After a week and a day, the roof is finally done. This is a good thing becasue I am tired of my hands smelling like shingles. I am also tired of wearing clothes that smell like a mixture of sun tan lotion and sweat. Somehow that combination equates to the scent that used to permeate the camper we used to use on vacation. I am also one for not taking more than one shower a day.

I wore gloves after the first day because by the end of that day, I had 3 busted open blisters and a bruised hand. Come the end of the project, the gloves made me look like a hobo, because they had no finger tips left, with a hammer and a utility knife scuttling around a roof.

After the first couple days, I got sunburn which continues to itch right now.

It is very monotinous roofing a house. Reminded me a lot of my temp jobs. I'm really not looking forward to doing to again anytime soon and hopefully I won't.

monkey on the roof with a hammer

2006-08-30T21:57:00.000-05:00

So depending on how the weather is this coming weekend, I may have the priviledge of re-roofing the house. Oh what fun that will be. This is not an empty promise/threat. I know this because I was rudely woken up early last Saturday, the only day I actually get to sleep in, to help unload 50 packs of shingles. They are sitting at the top of the driveway awaiting their final destination about 20ft vertically from where their current position. Not sure how they are getting up there but I'm thinkin they are gonna need some help.

oh god damn it!!!!

2006-08-23T22:13:00.000-05:00

I finally got around to buying Ninja Gaiden Black for the Xbox. I was so excited to play more video game adventures as a ninja. I have been wanting to play this since it came out. Well it turns out that I have played this game. It damn near identical to the first one. Yeah they added some new weapons and challenges but it's basically the same. I am a little miffed and disappointed.

eye

2006-08-20T14:17:00.000-05:00

So a little while ago, I noticed my eye was a little blurry. I looked in the mirror and saw that my pupils were 2 different sizes. I had Marilyn Manson eyes. I knew this could not be good. My parents inssited I go to the doctors the very next day and my sister kept saying it is a sign of brain damage.

I went to the doctor and he told me to see and optimalogist, which I did a few days later. By this point, my eye was back to normal, obviously. It only lasted about 12hrs so none of the medical professionals got to see it.

At the eye doctor's they dilated my eyes. See picture below.

He then shone some bright lights in my eyes that afterward made everything have a shade of red on it. He concluded the was nothing wrong and that if it happened again I should come back immediately. I had the feeling that he was not quite believing my story.

As I was leaving, I asked for a business card. The receptionist point toward them and I walked over to get one. I felt like Jerry in the episode of Seinfeld when he where glass that have the wrong prescription. I could barely make out what was on the card.

Going outside was hell on my eyes. The sun reflected off everything. I prolly should not have been driving with light being that was it was. I had to swint the whole way home. I should have brought my Willy Wonka goggles.

telemarketers

2006-08-15T18:33:00.000-05:00

Telemarkets call everyday for me this is nothing new. Usually they are foreign and I can't understand them or I instantly recognize who they are and hang up. A few days ago I got a call and listened for a little while longer than usual for who knows what reason but I think it paid off.

Caller:"Hello, is this K?"
Me:"Yeah."
Caller:"My name is Jammica and I'm with Publisher Clearing House."
Me:"Go on."
Caller:"I am calling to tell you that you have definitely won some money that will be awarded to you as some date next year. But I need to ask you some questions."
Me:"Shoot."
Caller:"Do you carry a Visa, Mastercard or Discover card?"
Me:"Yes."
Caller:"Which one of those companies offers you you the best service?"
Me:"I carry a card, but I don't really use it so I can't answer your question."
Caller:"Um, what?"
Me:"Well like I said before, I carry a card, but I don't really use it so I can't answer your question."
Caller: "..." *click*

Yeah, so she hung up on me. Was it something I said? I thought I was being polite.

My horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day.

2006-08-13T00:03:00.000-05:00

I started off my Saturday waking up at 2pm which is not odd since it is my only day of the week I get to sleep in. Too late for lunch so I would have to wait until dinner to eat, again nothing new. As I lay there pondering things I struck upon the notion that I had a lost pair of shorts and I wanted to wear them. I started looking under my bed. And what do you know there they were crammed in the far back. I patted myself on the back for a mission accomplished under 5 minutes. As I went to climb back in bed to watch tv I saw a little wiggly thing on the carpet. I got closer and saw that it was indeed alive and that it was not alone. So many thoughts ran through my head I can't even begin to put them into words. So I started scouting the house as to where I could put all my stuff because I know my room had to be emptied.

As I was walking through the kitchen, I snagged my pants on a cabinet handle and damn near ripped the pocket off. I thought to myself, "Well that's just fuckin' great." I continued on my search. I ended up locating a sweet piece of real estate out on the porch. So the exodus began.

Time passed and dinner finally came. I eat more than I should have after starving most of the day. Not too long afterward I realized how true my previous statement was. I can't really explain it but I had a bad feeling in my nether region and I felt like I was going to shit my pants. I took it easy for the next 2 hrs as waves of pain struck my colon. After multiple attempts to relieve the pressure, nothing seemed to want to abandon ship.

Okay so that was over and I had to leave my room for something. I gentle laid my hand on the dresser to get by my mount of crap in my room partially blocking the door when gravity threw it's hat in the ring. My dresser had and uneven weight distribution and my hand broke the camel's back. The whole thing leaned toward me and everything on top started to slide in my direction. Panicing, I dove in front and buttressed it so I could save all my electronic I keep on top of it. I managed to prevent this cascade but I quickly realized I was now stuck there and had to bend over very cautiously to unload the weight that was skewing the balance. Seriously, if it had fallen on me, I would have been really hurt, maybe even death.

I was able to get most of the small shit out of my room and then had to get on my hand and knees and vaccuum the whole floor. I inspected every inch so as to no miss and any of those little buggers. I hope I didn't but I am not done yet so we will see. As of this moment, I have a huge pile of stuff outside wrapped up in a large blue tarp.

After a little investigation I have come to the conclusion that they are carpet beetles in their larval form. And all this came about because I wanted a particular pair of pants.

My sister has been looking in my room through out the day to determine how much her room is at risk. She is expecting to see my floor just covered in writhing little bodies.

right out the window

2006-08-09T22:27:00.000-05:00

After my week alone with the dog, I had set up the basic foundation for Ruby to be house trained. I took her out every couple hours and rewarded for going outside. I only had to change a couple of the mats that were inside.

Then my sister got back from vacation. I explained to her what I had did and she seemed pleased with the results. But she did not factor her laziness and the fact this was just the beginning of a regiment that would need to be maintained to see permanent results. After 2 days Ruby was sliding back in her progress. Here it is, about 3 weeks after her return and Ruby goes more in the house than not. I walked away from the situation and rarely take her out. Not becasue I want her to go in the house but because all my sister had to do was walked the dog outside a few times a day for a few weeks. Really nothing strenuous. It's like she is proving something, like she is the only one that can train her dog. She is too inconsistent for that to ever happen.

she makes no sense

2006-08-06T22:15:00.000-05:00

... or maybe it is just me.

As I have mentioned before, my mom is obsessed with my under-shirts being whiter than white. She would rather they be worn once and be throw away then for me to wear one that might look like I actually wore it before.

Well today, I walked downstairs to get my laundry out of the dryer and I find her rummaging through my clothes. She claims that it just happened to click off as she was standing there so she figured she would fold my clothes for me. First of all she has not folded my clothes for quite some time now, I don't know why she would start doing it again now. Secondly, she was using this as an oppurtunity to sort out the older shirts and confiscate them from me. I heard her say, "These would make good rags, but I don't know where to put them that he will not take them back."

She told me to throw them away countless times, but it is ok for her to keep them in the house. She agrues that they are cheap and that I should just buy new ones. There is nothing wrong with the old ones, no one sees them outside of the house. Yeah, I could buy new ones, but I will get to wear them once maybe twice before she is up my ass again. More and more I understand why my dad refers to her as Monk from time to time.

those bastards

2006-07-24T20:40:00.000-05:00

Last Friday I met some guys from work for a few drinks. Seeing as how I had not been to work on Thursday and Friday, they caught me up on some of the things that had happened in my absence. By far the funniest thing was when they told me they had taken a guy's monitors and placed them in his storgae cabinet above his desk and plugged them back in so they still worked. I thought that is was awesome and wished I had been there to help and could not wait to see his reaction come Monday.

Jump forward to this morning, and I walk in to an empty desk except for my computer, keyboard and mouse. It became obvious real quick that is was I that the joke had been placed on. Not only had my monitors been moved, the cabinet was locked and I did not have the key.

I later found out that everyone that I had gone out with on Friday was in on this hazing. I was also told that I was not to take off anymore because it only gets worse. They told me the other idea they had was to reassemble my desk in one of the old prison cells.

To spite them a little I left my monitors right where they were and worked in the awkward position of looking up for about 3 hrs. I did it until my neck started to hurt and just imagined I was sitting the front row of a movie theater.

home alone

2006-07-18T23:36:00.000-05:00

Since Saturday I have been dog sitting. So that means, I have had 4 days without the family around and only approximately 3 and half more all to myself. During this time alone with the dog I have managed to only have to clean up 6 pee pads. That is usually the daily figure when my sister is here. Hurricane Ruby struck twice inside her cage. The first was when I went out Saturday night, I have home to a scene like a bomb went off in there. The let her out to clean it up and then put her back in. She then proceeded to bark for 2 hrs. That is so not cool at 3am. Come morning I found her cage a wreck again, but this time she managed to get a hold of someone's highlighted, 2 page schedule and left it in pieces no bigger than a postage stamp.

I have been bitching at her everyday. She likes to be independent. I trying to show her she really does not have a choice in some matters.

Other than having to take care of the dog, I have not high points to mention from this week by myself. I missed Pirates at the drive in because I could not find anyone to go with me. I have to get my car inspected at somepoint this week, argh. I did however take off Thursday and Friday in an attempt to squeeze some kind of fun out this time. Thus, I have schedule lunch plans with 2 girls I used to work with at my old job. Too bad they both have bfs.

yodawg

2006-07-16T15:01:00.000-05:00

Recently at work, I was looking through the files on my PC when I can across some excel sheets that were not mine and had not been there a week ago. I did not think much of it, left them where they were and kind of forgot about them. But a few days ago I found this picture, with is not a default Windows' one. I have never seen it before and have no idea how it got loaded into the My Documents folder at work. I think somehow someone is saving shit on my computer and not realizing it. I keep changing their file names to piss them off. I'm still waiting to see results.

breakfast talk

2006-07-13T21:50:00.000-05:00

this happened at work today.

Webmaster: "You want a egg and bacon sandwich?"
Me:"Um no, I don't think so."

... a few minutes pass ...

Me:"I think I have a vitamin deficiency, and that is why I fall asleep all the time."
Webmaster:"Well, what time did you got you bed?"
Me:"Sometime around 2"
Webmaster:"Well, there's your problem. You need to go to bed earlier."
Me:"Yeah, It might be that. Course it could be vitamins too."
Webmaster:"You want a breakfast sandwich? They use REAL beacon."
Me:"What the hell vitamins are in bacon?
Webmaster:"Eggs are chalk full of a shit load of vitamins."
Me:"I said nothing about the eggs, I mentioned the bacon."
Webmaster:"Does it matter?"
Me:"Well, I don't want them to cancel each other out."
Webmaster:"Man, I'm going to kick you square in the nuts."

2 where 1 was sufficient

2006-07-09T17:39:00.000-05:00

On Friday night I met up with some guys and one wife after work for dinner and some drinks. We went to Duke's down by the river, which used to be a G-Man. The guy and his wife got there at 5:30 to reserve a table because we knew it would be busy. The rest of us trickled in as time went on, but they did not seat us until 8:30. That's a 3 hr wait. Other people had come and gone in that time. We were not happy.

After we all got seated the drinking began. Between 8:30 and 12:30, I consumed 6 - 22oz lagers. Is that a lot? I can never tell. After we were done there we went to a different bar to play pool where I had 2 more regular size lagers. At this point I realized that was a lot of liquid. Someone mentioned that with all the alcohol he drank he would have a good sleep. I had to agree with him and looked forward to it myself.

After getting home after 4am, I crawled in bed. My sleep was anything but peaceful. It started with me "waking up" thinking a clothes bomb had gone off in my room. That was not the case. Later on I came to again thinking a block ceiling had fallen out of my room. Again it was not to be. There were others but they are kind of fuzzy. The strangest thing of all was waking up with 2 pair of boxers on. I did not notices this until midway through the following day when there was a lot more fabric to get through to take a piss. I wore them both for the rest of the day. All that day though, I could not help but wonder what dream prompted me to add a second pair to the first.

Matryoshka dream

2006-07-03T21:52:00.000-05:00

For post 200 I thought I would talk about something other than work, my crazy mom or my sister's dog.

I had a dream where I was being hurdled around like a rag doll. From an outside observer's perspective, I could see my body being tossed around like a marionette. Over plains and through valleys, some unseen torrent was sending me to an unknown destination. The only thought I had running through my head was that I had to keep my kind clear of any stray thoughts. I was not allowed to take the time to mull over and enjoy/comprehend all that I was seeing. If for but one moment I stopped just experiencing what I was seeing and tried to control it just once, it would have all shattered and crumbed away to nothing.

All of a sudden I woke up. My head was resting on a park bench with face was laying inside a magazine which I had warped with the drool that had run freely from my mouth. Still groggy from this semi-coma I found that my surrounding were not a park at all but a bench that had been transplanted indoors into a crampt, bussling bookstore. I had no idea how I had gotten there nor where exactly I was.

After that, I woke up again. In my bed, staring down at me where several fuzzy red blobs. I moved in closer to find that they revealed the time to be 4:30am and I had work in the morning.

stupid bitch

2006-06-29T18:59:00.000-05:00

This morning while I was getting ready for work, I thought I would be nice and let Ruby run around a little before my sister got up. She was very happy to get out of her cage and she followed me around and jumped in my bed when I went to get dressed. As I sat down to put my contacts in, I look up to see her doing her little squat thing she does. She was in the process of peeing in my bed. Having only applied one contact, I yelled at her and scooped her off the bed to immediately throw her back in her pen. I returned to rip the sheet off my bed to reveal a yellow river coursing down the ravines sewn into my mattress. I was not a happy camper. I clean it up the best I could before I had to leave and figured I would clean it after work, which I did.

Ruby is not longer allowed on my bed ever. I have ignored her the whole day and she is not amused.

When I got home I told my mom about it and she replied with, "Well you can't leave it like that." Oh yes, I want to sleep in urine, it gives me that extra fresh feeling in the morning. That is what I thought in my head. My retort pissed off my mom and she went off about my attitude. Like I'm retarded and have to be told to clean things up that may be harmful to my health. She must think that I would starve and be covered in my own filth if she were not there to tell me what to do.

Evolution

2006-06-27T22:39:00.000-05:00

Sometime over the last few days, Ruby has changed in her appearence. I mean besides the fuzziness she is continually sprouting, her ears have changed. Whether they were always going to do this of for some unknown reason, they began to stand up. This just adds to her semi-bat characteristics. It looks like she has to small radar dishes up there now. Although from time to time the one still droops a little increasing her, I hate to use the term, cuteness.

She also acts more like a cat than any dog I have ever seen. She bats things around and prowls the top of the couch. She even had the size thing going for her. I guess it would just be silly if a big beefy dog acted like a prissy cat.

hit and run

2006-06-24T22:42:00.000-05:00

I flicked on the radio as usual in the morning to get the traffic report to plan my route to work accordingly. (I don't have a lot of choices as to how to get there but I like to trick myself into believing I do.) I was greeted with the common list of back logs with one addition. It seems that there were body parts stroon down the highway mere miles from my house. I had to wait until the news/traffic cycled around again for me to get details. From what I gathered someone got literally creamed by a big rig and got spread over an area of road. The people that had called it in were not sure what they saw on the road and knew how much of a joke it seemed like when they called the police. The highway was backed up for miles because of traffic having to be diverted. Glad I was headed the other way.

That was really the last thing I ever thought I would hear about on the radio to start off my day. As it was for most people I'm sure, it was the domainant thought running through my head today.

My Day

2006-06-21T21:31:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning I woke up an hour later than I normally do. One can conclude from this that I was going to be later for work. Managing to get up when I did, I had to sit and wait while my sister got my niece's ass in gear and got her finished in the bathroom so I could take a shower. This was not an easy thing to do, it never is.

So after setting a personal land speed record for getting ready in the morning, I walk outside to see our mailbox laying next to the garage. I figured that was pretty odd since last place I had seen it was nestled on a post at the end of the drive way. I then saw a rather large dent in it. Well I putting 2 and 2 together I realized someone took upon themselves to go postal slaying the previous night. As I drive through the neighborhood, I could see that we were not singled out. Very few had been spared in this onslaught.

Zipping to work in my usual fashion I flew in only about 20 minutes after 8. This caused me to have to parallel park which I never have to do since I usually arrive 20-25 of 8 and there are significantly less cars then. From then on my day was a normal as it gets.

After work I walked the block back to my car and turned the corner. My first thought was, "Where the fuck is my car?". What stood in front of me was clearly not my vehicle. Instead there sat a moving truck, right where I had been that morning. After a little investigation I come to find my car where I left it except it was now snuggly placed between the truck and the curb. There were mere inches between all the participates in this 3 way. I figured I was going to have to hang out in Carlisle a lot longer than I had wanted, but I was able to pull out with a little assisstance from a spotter and went on my merry way.

After I got home I found out that ours was not the only neighborhood struck in the crime wave, my dad was using both bathrooms just to keep up, and I had a small barking shadow for the rest of the night.

soggy bottom

2006-06-19T19:34:00.000-05:00

Today, my mom got her second colonoscopy. It's been a year since her last one and mine. Lucky I won't have to go through with that again anytime soon. My sister refuses to admit that she will one day have a production studio up her butt.

I forgot how funny it is to watch someone have to scurry to bathroom hoping that they will make it before they make a delivery in their pants. I went through it myself and it is not fun, when you have to go you have to go right now. With my mom still not being steady on her feet, it came to the point where she was thumping along with a cane to the closest bathroom. On TV they make fun of the procedure, but not the at home prep about drinking clear fluids and cleaning out your insides the day before.

What I find even more amusing is the fact that my dad has to go through the process tomorrow for his "royal treatment" on Wednesday. He laughed at me last year, now I get to take a crack at him.

My mom is good for another 3 yrs or so. She paraphrased what the doctor said by telling me that she, "Had the perfect asshole." Ain't that a tasty thought.

conversations from work

2006-06-16T22:51:00.000-05:00

Guy 1: "Do you even know what is going on?"
Guy 2: "Yeah, I'm paying attention ... what are we talking about?

Guy 1 talked to Guy 2 about how long his day has been and ends his statement with "... it's like the neverending story."
Me: "Well, did you at least get to ride Falcor?"
Guy 2: *blink*
Guy 1: "What?"
Me: "You know, did you get to ride Falcor?"
Guy 2: *blink**blink*
Guy 1: *blink*

I had to explain what I was talking about becasue they were both lost. They eventually understood but I had to throw around names like Bastion and Atreyu for them to catch on.

Fortunes

2006-06-15T17:42:00.000-05:00

So I found a few fortunes in my pocket today. Here they are:

"You will have a fine capacity for the enjoyment of life."

I will huh? Any time frame on that. I could think of a few things but they are all a ways off.

"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go where there is no path...and leave a trail."

How am I do be sneaky if I leave a trail? Answer that smart-ass. I think I might have lost the path a long time ago. I cross it on occassion, but can't be bothered with it's uniformity.

"The road to success is often a lonely one."

OK THAT'S IT! I'M GONNA FUCKIN' EAT YOU, you little lying bastard. I don't have time for your nonsense. Make me believe in you damn it. Even putting "in bed" after some of these do not make them sound better. Maybe I should try my luck with fortune bananas. Now there is a mystery. How do they get the print inside the peel?

Crash

2006-06-13T21:15:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I had the oppurtunity to watch the movie Crash. Not that stupid new one but the one by David Croneberg. And well let me just say it is odd. Basically it is about people that get off on car accidents. The people in the film are obsessed with these crashes and every aspect that goes along with them, from analyzing crash test videos to chronicling images of the wreckage, it's all in there. I can't say that I have ever seen anything like it before. One of the character states it best with, "It's something we're all intimately involved in: The
reshaping of the human body by modern technology." But that only scratches the surface of this film.

everyone is doing it

2006-06-12T17:14:00.000-05:00

I finally got my hair cut again. Last time that was done was the last Wednesday of September. I'm not gonna explain how I remember that. The last time it should have been cut should have been for the interview for my current job. Obviously, that was not a necessary action that need to be performed.

My hair was as long as it had ever been and will probably see that length again someday. I have wanted to get it cut for a while now. Mostly because of how long it takes dry in the morning and laying on it when I am trying to sleep. Although my niece made a comment on Saturday that I looked like a woman, that had not influenece on my decision. Ah, to be seen through the eyes of a child. She based this observation of hair alone. Not that fact that I have puffy nipples. I kind of dread they day she notices.

I got a few inches cut off and my sister took notice that my hair had been longer than hers and that we seem to get the same hair cut now. I figure it will be a good sizx monthes before my next one.

work decided to up the stakes

2006-06-09T17:02:00.000-05:00

Well, it finally happened. No not as big as other people's news but big for me. After about 2 monthes of coasting by at work, they finally decided I was ready for some projects. I'm not sure if any of you know this but in college not a single program I wrote met the full requirements that were asked of it. I was lucky just to have something to had in. Anyway, I have to make an online application to apply for jobs. Well the form itself looks great, but I have finally hit the wall. The wall I always hit in my classes. The one that I never got over. I'm at the point where I don't know shit about what I am doing and have wasted the last few days trying to figure it out. This is actually kind of important, I actually have to make this work, seeing as how this is my job now.

After this I have to create a application to access a database through a Blackberry phone. Yeah even less of a clue there. This project is one of the deciding factors that will determine if my department gets Blackberries for everyone. Although I'm not sure if I get one side I rarely leave my cube.

In addition to all this I have to revamp the county website to the specifications of a frustrated former art major. His idea is half assed and if that is the best he has then I can see why he failed.

I think I have finally started to curb my unintentional sleeping habits at work. I guess we will see.

reasons my mother is insane

2006-06-04T19:39:00.000-05:00

#107 My mom claims that one of the pairs of pants I wear for work are too short. While the other pants that I wear are ok. The pants in question are the same size as all the rest. They could not be any different then the others. They were all bought at the same place, and she was there to witness it. She demands that I discontinue use and hand them over. She even picked up a pair to swap them for. I refuse because there is nothing wrong with them. She says something about them almost everyday. As time goes on she makes comments about other people's pants being too short. I have no idea what this obsession is.

#145 I wear undershirts at work. My mom does can not comprehend why I would want to during the summer but that is not the point. She saw me wearing one after work one day and she said, "That is anything but white and should be thrown away". What she fails to hear me say or even acknowledge is that I had only gotten it out of the package that morning. There is not way it could be whiter, that is the way ot came. I also blame the poor lighting in my house as a cause of the dingey off white. She insisted on bleaching them, making them atomic white. I don't care what they look like because no one sees them at work. I guess I don't get it.

2 more reasons I should not have to mow

2006-05-29T16:16:00.000-05:00

1)While navigating between some shrubbery, I underestimated the turning radius of the tractor. I ended up hitting one of the aforementioned shrubs, causing it to leave to one side. The thought crossed my mind to hit it the other way to straighten it out. I opted not to do this so as to not make matters worse. I forgot to go back and fix it when I was done with the rest of the lawn. Not 2 hours go by and both my parents tell me to go fix it. It turns out that this shrub was barely clinging to the dirt it was resting in. I must have shredded all the supporting roots.

2)As I drove around the swingset, I realized I should have moved the swing before I had started in this area. Being the genius that I am, I figured I could just kick it out of the way as a drove by. That part worked great, it was the effect of this action I neglected to calculate for. The swing came flying back and hooked under the brake pedal. All the slack was gone and I was waiting for the whole thing to start moving since I could not stop the tractor. The swing was inhibiting the use of the brake. All of a sudden the swing shot out from had been lodged and all was right again.

Although technically errors on my part, I don't think that my mowing skills should be called into question. I hate mowing and I will continue to screw things up until I will no longer be told to do it. My mom final just took notice that I mow the lawn into a zen garden like state.

voting

2006-05-15T20:39:00.000-05:00

I have never voted, I could not be bothered. I am told I am not allowed to complain if I don't vote. Well I don't say much to begin with so that is not a problem. Anyhow, tomorrow I have to help out with the election in Cumberland County. That means that I have to work from 6 am to approximately 8:30 pm, driving around making sure bumpkins know how to finger electronic voting machines. Sounds like a hoot I know. I figure there will be a lot of time not doing anything and I have no idea what is in the area of these places to occupy my spare time.

Update: The puppy is now going by Ruby as well as One Pound of Fury. This is because if you whistle she goes into a berserker rage kind of thing where she will try to bite your face and neck but will easily settle for a toe, especailly if it is in a sock.

envy

2006-05-04T22:12:00.000-05:00

Q:How do you make a 6yr jealous?

A:Get one of these.

She still does not have a name.

My sister's new puppy

2006-05-01T22:03:00.000-05:00

Here are a few pictures of my sister's new puppy. It is only 7 weeks old and is a girl. It is a mix between chihuahua, scotty and some kind of terrier. It is fun to play with. She is very small. She kind of hops along more than runs. I laid her on my stomach and she looked at me and then put her head down and went to sleep. She likes me. It was like a puppy pile. She does not have a name yet. My mom insists it start with a 'K'. Kaylen wants something like Blackberry. I suggested that it not be a flower or candy. Kaylen has almost stepped on it already. It sleeps in a box. The End.

inquisition

2006-04-23T16:07:00.000-05:00

Nearly every week my mom has a new term she uses to descibe me. I was lazy when I told her my plan for the website I was making for to get considered for a job interview. I was a drunk when she found me on the floor after a night of drinking. I was fat when she noticed I had put on a few pounds I had not had previously. I was retarded when I quit my old job so that I could start my new one the following Monday, even though I had not received a phone call telling me I had got it. She thought I would look stupid if I showed up to work and did not really have the job, but I knew I had it so I felt retarded for having to call to confirm.

Her latest thing was not a statement, but a question. She asked me if I was gay. I was kind of suprised at this. It all came about because I had said I thought that a friend of the family was gay for a long time but I had never voiced this observation to anyone. That came up because my sister pieced together information that he could have a boyfriend. They then managed to work together to turn the conversation away from him and direct it at me. Their excuse was that they don't like surprises. But they both sat there staring at me waiting for some sign that I was untruthful with my reply of 'No'. Just becasue I have not had a girlfriend in forever does not mean anything.

but i like my eyes

2006-04-13T19:28:00.000-05:00

So there is this fungual infection going around from an unknown source that is afflicting contact wearers. The company that everyone is looking at as the culprit is ReNu, which of course is the brand I have used for years. It is said to feel like you have sand in your eye and can lead to blindness if not caught. You can not deny the fact that next time you get something in your eye the thought will cross your mind that you may have The Fungii in your eye.

things you should know

2006-04-06T15:20:00.000-05:00

Last Friday I managed to drink myself stupid in front of potential future co-workers. My mom found me late that night passed out at the top of the steps reeking of alcohol. It was bad. So bad let us not speak of it again.

My sister's wedding which was scheduled for Saturday is now cancelled and she will be moving back in sometime in the near future.

I only have one more day where I work now. Starting next Monday, I will finally have a job that involves my major and does not involve a warehouse. I'm going to be a Web Developer.

I have exactly one more day to ask either of the hot sisters I work with for a number so that I can contact them after I no longer work there.

I will be turning in the cell phone I have from work so that number will no longer be a valid one to reach me at. I will inform people when I get a new one, which hopefully won't be too long from now.

the interview

2006-03-21T21:59:00.000-05:00

After about 3 weeks and the creation of a website that ended up being well beyond what the guy was expecting me to produce in a week, I finally got an interview. Before I go on, I would like to say I made a website about an illustration company in order to kill 2 birds with one stone. I showed off both my graphics design skills as well as my programming abilities.

I took the day off work to do this because I had no idea how long the interview would take. It consisted of a test and then 2 interviews. The test itself took an hour, well they gave me an how. There were 7 questions. One involved proof reading, another asked me to make a webpage, and there were 2 more programming ones. The remaining were logic questions. As you know they are my thing, they are what I do, so they were cake.

1)If the word FINITE can be represented by the number 5910, then what number represents the word ZENITH?
2)

1
11
21
1211
111221

what comes next in the sequence?
3)Tower of hanoi with 4 disks.

They were not terribly hard. After that they told me that it was more than an hour's worth of work. As they are telling me this, I am in the process of sliding it across the table, completed. They were quite impress that not only did I finish it, but it was all correct.

The interviews then proceeded after that. And just under 2 and half hours later, I walked out anticipating a phone call the following week.

Update:It turns out that I was the only one of the top three choices to respond to set up an interview. I was also the first person to complete the test under an hour and have it all correct. I got my phone call the following Monday telling me that formality-wise he could not offer me the job til 4/4 but it was pretty much mine.

st patrick's day

2006-03-21T21:41:00.000-05:00

It comes but once a year and I actually did something this year. Instead of playing video games in the late hours of the night me and my friend Tony met up with a guy i work with some of his friends and went to a few bars downtown. We were supposed to me up with a girl from work and her "15 hot friends", that fell through and I later found out it was more like 5. Anyway, there were people everywhere. Solid people spilled out of all the bars. We only managed to make it 4 of them before last call. I think we could have done more had we not started at 10pm.

I got a drink called "The Flying Irishman". I little fruitier than I would have liked but it was like drinking liquid green so I did not mind. I saw I guy use a sink as a urinal and then saw others follow in his footsteps standing on their toes to make it in. There was no washing hands after seeing that.

When it came time to wander towards my car I had to pee so bad. I looked over and saw a shadow off the sidewalk that looked good. There was even a potted plant to knee behind. This plant was so not big enough to conceal me and people prolly thought I was throwing up. Little do they know I was peeing in public. As I stubbled away and looked back, I was hit with a sense of irony when I realized I had just peed on a church. I had to stop on the way to drop my friend off at his apt because he had to pee. He ended up peeing on a Rite Aid.

All in all I had fun and am looking forward to next year.

homework

2006-03-08T20:12:00.000-05:00

I recently applied for a job as a Web Developer. I have had a few communications with this prospective employer. The first was to see examples of my work. No problem I sent him shit I did at MU. A week later he gives me another assignment. I have to create a website for a ficticous company. To do this I have to use either ASP or ASP.NET. I know neither. I also need to be able to access a database, which again I don't know how to do. These things are not really a big concern for me. I mean how hard could it be. My big problem is that I have no idea what to based the website around. I am usually running off at the mouth with bunches of ideas but this time I am at a loss. I kind of need to know that so I can model the website. This is due by Monday and I have yet to put fingers to keys.

issues with my car

2006-03-05T18:00:00.000-05:00

1) 3 weeks ago I pulled out of my drive way and for no reason at all my airbag light started flashing. To remedy this I turned the car off and then turned it back on. Problem solved. I drive off with thinking that was kind of weird.

2) 2 weeks ago I am returning home from my friend's apartment at 3am. I pull out of the parking lot making a mental note that I have a quarter of a tank of gas and I need to get more after work on Monday or in the next 100 miles, what ever comes first. My car had other plans. I happen to glance down to see the fuel light staring back at me. The needle had dropped well below the E and the display that tell me how many miles I can go says "---". I'm thinking "Great! My car had no idea how far it wants to take me". So I was a little concerned as to whether or not I would make it to the gas station. I did make it there and then got to pump gas in breezy 13 degree weather. I had to bow out after $10 because I could not feel my fingers. This put me up about 2/3 a tank. This makes not sense but it solved the problem.

3) Last Monday on the way to work my check engine light came on. I pulled over and restarted to car just to have to shining clear and bright for the rest of the trip. It stayed like this for 2 days, then decided to mix it up a bit by blinking for periods of time. I thought maybe it was trying to go out but alas this has continued all week.

I plan to have it looked at this week, because a blinking engine light surely has to be worse than a solid one right?

best day of work ever

2006-02-24T18:11:00.000-05:00

Deliveries are usually boring but not Thursday. It started with the diner that we wanted to eat at being closed, making me think this was a foreshadowing of the day to come. But oh no it only went up from there. He made our first stop then went to a different diner that served pancakes as big as your head, that is not exaggerated. We were still running ahead of schedule so we called a head and managed to make our next delivery. It was a long shot for the next one that was supposed to be 2 hrs from that time but we got lucky and got that one done too. It was about 11:30am at this point. Our next time was at 3pm and there was not way to change this so we had to find a way to busy ourselves. How first idea was to go bowling but that did not work out so well. We then had a much better idea as to how to fill in these hours, mini golf and skeeball. We went on the the Sports Emporium and did just that. I can hardly believe that I was playing mini golf in late February. Something to note at this point, sticks and pine cones really throw off ones game, the cold and small amount of rain did not help either. I lost.

After that we wanted to go inside where it was warm. We were the only customers so we had free reign of everything. The arcade machines were ok for about 5 minutes then we moved on to just about each and every ticket giver in the place. Spending tokens is so much easier than spending money, meaning you don't realize how much you are pumping in to these machines. We were there til about 2pm, leaving with a stuffed donkey from Shrek, a Dash keychain from the Incredibles, and the ridiculous notion that we just got paid to play games all afternoon.

You might think that we proceeded to the delivery but you would be wrong. We managed to get on the right road going in the wrong direction. We took this opportunity stop that the local G-man where I feasted on fried cheese and we sought a correction to our course of travel. Our delivery was only a few minutes late but other than that it was all good.

We recounted the various activities we did on the ride back to Harrisburg and revelled in the fact that the people back at the building were none the wiser. We even made it a point to tell people how horrendious our day was and they could not even begin to imagine the shit we had gone through. Hell we even managed to get in an hour of overtime.

who do i look like

2006-02-22T22:50:00.000-05:00

Today at work one of the girls told me that I looked like Bo Bice (he is from american idol and i disgust myself for knowing this). I replied with an "Oh God!" She then downplayed her previous comment by saying that I only kind of did and that my hair was much better than his. I got a laugh by telling her that she was the first and hopefully the only person to ever say that I looked like him.

Speaking of funny, I learned an important lesson the other day. That a weak box piled high with packing materials, can NOT withstand the impact of a 200+ lb man leaping through the air in an attempted to compress it. This man with be left with the reminents of what used to be a box under his ass and packing material stroon around in every direction. And any one fortune enough to have witness this tragic flight will be shocked that it was even attempted since it was obvious to everyone that it clearly was not going to work and they will also be on the verge of collapsing to the ground in hysterics. I think it goes without saying who has this high jumper might have been.

menagerie

2006-02-15T19:12:00.000-05:00

Never did I think when I woke up late for work yesterday that I would have my crotch eyed up for a ramming by a goat that acted like a dog, see peacocks walking around in the road, meet a one eyed cat, see a pen full of deer, witness a lone cow grazing with a field of horses, or get introduced to a myriad of different dogs. One of them I can not explain any better than being a mop-dog. I petted his head and that was all it took for him to be my friend. I am a friend to animals but that was ridiculous. He followed me around everywhere I went, the whole time I was thinking to myself, "I wonder how many different types of shit I have managed to find with my feet?"

Worst Job in the World

2006-02-09T22:07:00.000-05:00

So after 3 and a half days and 11 buildings later I am finally done. No more coverage testing for me. Unfortunately now everyone at work greets me with "Can you hear me now?". I am not amused. As an end to the torture of having to endure the boredom of this assignment the guy I was working with showed me this video, which I can totally relate to. After watching it I think you will know why.

NSFW unless you have the volume down but where is the fun in that. Kind of funny since that is where I saw it but I figured I should pass on the warning.

And now for your feature presentation:
Worst Job in the World

4:00am

2006-02-07T22:48:00.000-05:00

This is the time that my body has decided for the past 2 nights that I should be awake.

Monday - I awoke to find myself rummaging around under my bed. For what you might ask. Well I don't undertsand it but i was looking for a flip-flop. For whatever reason it was utterly important that I know where both my flip flops were at that very moment.

Tuesday - I heard my alarm so I got as usual and took a shower. Not until I sat down to put my contacts in did i realize that it was quarter after 4 in the morning and I had only imagined the alarm. This was evident from the fact that it was still set for my regular time of 630am. At least I got the extra few hours of sleep I always want when i wake up in the morning.

Day One of testing

2006-02-06T20:27:00.000-05:00

Already the "Can you heard me now" joke is wearing a little thin. And I an sorry to say this but people that work for the state tackle a problem for about 10 minutes and if it does not get done they pass it on to someone else. This happens til they run out of people and then they come back to you with some dumb excuse why it will not get done. I say this becasue it happened with me getting my security badge. I ended up going myself down to the building super to ask for one. I did not leave his office til i got one, I clingy like that. So i unlike the employees there actually got off my ass rather than make phone calls trying to get something done.

I ended up with an hour and a half for lunch so i drove on down to Subway. And with my luck running the way it is, I ran across some lady asking all the patrons about their business. All I wanted was to eat my tasty sammich and she asks me a string of stupid questions.

Annoying Question Lady:"And where are you coming from today?"
Me:"Up the road."
Annoying Question Lady:"Well how far?"
Me:"I don't know like 2 miles."
Annoying Question Lady:"What road would that be?"
Me:"Damned if I know." ( I think I her on the ropes.)
Annoying Question Lady:"Could you be more specific?"
Me:"The windy one." (Take that nosy lady with a clipboard.)
Annoying Question Lady:"Ok, well where will you be going after you leave here?"
Me(with my finger in the air preparing to point):"Right back there."

She resigned from further abuse and walked away to put the whammy on every single unsuspecting person that walked through the door. And they, like myself, fell into her trap.

Ok, besides that, does anyone else think it disgusting when you can hear some cutting their nails from the cube over the wall?

can you hear me now?

2006-02-05T00:06:00.000-05:00

so this coming week i get the oppurtunity to sit a cubicle. sounds like a whole lot of boring to me. the reason for this is that i will be involved in what is called coverage testing. i get to talk to a guy that will be walking around the capital building and several other important buildings around the city of harrisburg. it's basically going to be a cross between battleship and "Can you hear me now?" every location is marked off with a grid which requires testing in every square. i did not realize the scope of this project until i got details on friday afternoon. this looks like an all week project. the guy told me to bring a book to read or something because there will be downtime.

crutches

2006-01-28T20:51:00.000-05:00

On Thursday my mom sat up from a chair after watching some tv and she fell to the floor. She said it was like her foot was not even there. A possible explaination for this would be the numbness in her extremities that was caused by the chemo.

She managed to crawl to the couch and wait for someone to come home to help her. Went I got home she told me about what happened and wanted me to retrieve my crutches. I did, but like most people I know she is not very coordinated with them. As time passed her foot swelled up and we were not sure whether it was a break or sprain.

She called my dad at work and he did not show the tiniest bit of surprise at her story. At this point I don't think that my dad can be surprised at anything you tell him in such cases. Unless of course some body part has happened to part ways.

He came home and they went to the ER. They were there for only a few hours since someone they knew was working there at the time. She came home with the news that is a bad sprain and that she is to stay off of it for about a week.

She really hates the crutches and continues to try to figure out a way to walk without them.

tokyo diner

2006-01-24T18:27:00.000-05:00

Continuing with the theme of international cuisine this week, Monday was Indian, we went out for Japanese food today for lunch. We went to the Tokyo Diner since it was the only place I knew of. When we got there we had figure out how to get in since the front doors were boarded up in a haphazard fashion. We ended up going next store and walking through it into the diner. Upon getting inside we were offered sushi or hibachi. The guy I was with did not like sushi so hibachi it was.

We were seated at the grill and looked at the menu. They offered every combination of shrimp, chicken and steak you can think of, which is like 7, and that was pretty much it. We placed our orders and then waited at the hibachi grill for the maestro of japanse flair to arrive. Then the Golden Girls walked in and were seated with us. Just what I wanted, 3 old ladies talking about their sexual exploits. Not fun at all. OK that did not happen but there were 3 old ladies.

The guy wheeled his cart out and reconfirmed the orders then started flinging vegetables and rice around. He made the tradtional onion volcano and even had a little statue of a boy dressed like a fireman to pee on our food. He cooked the meat and added a ton of sauces i could not identify and then scooped the food to the plates leaving several trails of crumbs in his wake.

The food was actually pretty good. Better then i was expecting. I would go back but only for lunch because the dinner prices were ridiculous, unless of course those come with a Happy Ending, then I'm in.

After we got back to work it was the usual boring busy work except my ass decided that it wanted some attention. So the farting storm began and no one was safe, not even me. Most of the time it is the other guys letting them rip but for one short afternoon i was king. My farts were sneaky too. I would release one and then it would take a minute to gather potency, then it assaulted all you senses. I swear the air got hazy. I made one guy's eyes water, another took refuge in his shirt and the third guy who has quite the beak on him had to get up and leave for i had overloaded his nostrils. This continued for about 3 hrs. I was told i smelled like a wombat and eggs.

I blamed it on lunch for it was the only thing i could do. I have been told that i can never eat there again.

miss america pageant

2006-01-23T19:37:00.000-05:00

You may wonder what i could possibly have to say about this. well today at work i found out who Miss PA was in the pageant this year. A guy at work told me that she graduated from Millersville so we investigated a little and found an picture of her. She looked so familiar but i did not think i met her before. then it hit me like a freight train. i had met her. hell i even talked to her very briefly.

She was friend's with clothes obsessed, airhead of a roomate, Dave. Her name is Nicole Brewer and if i remember correctly she was not much in the brains department either. My example is as follows, which is a true event.

Her:*slings a sack of Dave's laundry over her shoulder and prepares to leave the room*
Me: *makes some wise crack about how she looks like Santa*
Her:"Are you calling me fat?!?"
Me:"No. I was referring to you sack of laundry."

Someone was there with me for this but i can not remember who. I thought about this and it has been 5 yrs or so since i made this comment to her. Had i not had the chance to make this crack i prolly would not have remembered her at all.

--: I told a girl at work i would draw at picture for her, but she said it had to be funny, and i assume appropriate for the workplace since it will be on a big dry erase board at work. any ideas?

office space

2006-01-12T21:46:00.000-05:00

Today was the usual witty banter among co workers at work, the laborious task of matching what a spreadsheet says to what it actually present in the unsorted, uninventoried warehouse and the nonchalant tossing of radios through the air to destinations unknown, but with an added bonus. While taking our sweet as time removing boxes from the warehouse to happen across a discarded computer monitor. Our eyes widened and we all looking at each other with the same thought on all our minds, "OFFICE SPACE". If ever there was a time to vent frustration at work this was it.

Each of the three of us scattered in different direction to collect what we needed. One grabbed the monitor, one grabbed the key and made the phone call to open the door, and the other found a 8ft metal pole to bludgeon with.

We each took our best javelin throws at the screen in an attempt to harpoon this display cube. And each time the monitor mocked us by not giving in. A few light scratches were the only evident the monitor was touched. Frustration was apparent. We could not devote an extensive amount of time on this so we gave up but I in one last attempt picked it up and power bombed in it the dumpster. A 4 inch crack in the plastic exterior was all that I was rewarded with, screen still very much intact. Fuckin piece of shit.

--:A few days ago one of the hot girls at work was hit in the head with a radio when it fell off a shelf. ironically she was wearing a wonder woman shirt at the time. i've been talking to her more lately, too bad i don't know if she is seeing anyone.

i feel dumb

2006-01-07T23:37:00.000-05:00

at work on friday, i had to make a series of phone calls. for one of these calls the guy had to stand on the other side of the room to perform the specified directions that i asked him to do. to accomplish this he put me on speaker phone. he informed me of this and from that point on in the conversation, i felt compelled to have to speak louder for him to hear me.

after i hung up i realized how dumb this was. that is the point of a speaker phone, there was no need for me to raise my voice.

jealous

2006-01-01T00:59:00.000-05:00

Kaylen got a happy meal today with Mr. Tumnus from The L, the W and the W. I am so jealous. i mean not only is he a satyr but you blow in his scarf cuz he doubles as a whistle. i repeat, i'm jealous.

double fortune

2005-12-29T23:43:00.000-05:00

so once again i got a double fortune out of a cookie. does this happen to anyone else? i mean they are always clear as mud or vague beyond a coherent thought but this is ridiculous. They were as follows:You are demonstrative with those you love. and Serious trouble will bypass you.. after comparing the numbers on the reverse side, my lucky one seems to be 26. this means nothing to me.

i'm still waiting for the cake i was promised over a year ago.

wouldn't it be cool if you could save these little fuckers up and cash them in like they were arcade tickets. i mean most chinese places have merchandise on display, how bout they slip a little tag in next to them telling people how many fortune stubs would be needed to obtain these "high quality" asian decorations.

and what terrible grammatical madlibs these would make if they were inserted in the blanks.

only me

2005-12-21T22:58:00.000-05:00

ok so today was a typical day at work. check email, sit around, go for a drive, go to lunch, check email some more etc etc. you get the point. but then something unexpected happened.

we were all hanging out in the usual cubicles, having a good time, laughing it up, when it happened. I farted. I did not even know i was transporting this stowaway until it made it presence known. what did i do you ask. well i continued talking, like nothing happened. there was no change in the tone of my voice, my cheeks did not flush, there was no acknowledgement on my part at all. but i know it was noticed because the guy in the next cube over gave me a look. the kind of look like he could not believe i just let one rip in such close proximity to someone and did not excuse myself.

hey i'm sorry but i am not going to stop what i am doing and announce to everyone that i just cut one and that i was sorry. i mean if they did not notice it i sure as hell was not going to back up and bring them up to speed. besides it was all sound and no substance. i'm really not sure how i would have handled the situation if that was the case.

slow week for me

2005-12-11T13:10:00.000-05:00

nothing terribly exciting happened to but here is a run down of things.

one of the full time employees at work when out of his way to show me a full time position that was posted online. i assume he believes i am qualified even though i only understand about half of what the descriptions wants, that and i do not have the military experience they want.

i got and xobx and it purrs like a champ. i bought SSX3 and Prince of Persia: the Warrior Within. those should keep be occupied til after xmas. if not i'll just have to track down some more used ones.

oh man did it snow. a good 5 to 7 inches at least. and for those of you who were wondering yes it was higher than that bottom of my car. that added to the fact that i had to drive through the deep snow, i essentially was plowing my own path. i got to work and had to clean off the company vans, oh what fun that was.

i have yet to start my xmas shopping. no ideas for anyone, but what else is new.

Back to work

2005-12-02T22:49:00.000-05:00

well to start, it could only happen to me, that the boss of my boss walks by and says hi to me when i am reading an article online about a man fucking a horse.

come monday i should be the owner of an xbox. now what games to buy is the question.

i was given about an hour's worth of work today and then left to fend for myself. so from 11 to 330 i sat around in my cube with nothing to do and no one to direct me toward any type of real work. i occupied my time by looking up xbox games and playing sudoku. i skipped lunch so i could leave early. hopefully next week will be better.

Head Guy: "It's nice to have you back."
Me: "It's nice to be back."
Other Temp Guy: "You lie! You lie so bad!"
Me: *shush* "Ok, your right."