headless pc

My nice 19 inch flat panel monitor is having an identity crisis and would insist that is it now a paperweight that needs to be plugged in rather than my window to the internets. It turns on like normal but only stays that way for a few seconds before it flickers and the display goes black. This, a mere 3 weeks before the warranty runs out. It was like pulling teeth, especially with the holiday, to get a service request in motion to get it fixed. So off to Cali to goes for a little vacation away from my servitude. It should be well rested and possibly sporting a tan, and a bright and shiny drug addiction when it gets back.

Election day

So I worked election day again. I started on time this year, at 6am. Last time it was closer to 7 since I forgot some stuff at home and had to go back for it. I slowly worked my way through all 10 precincts I was assigned to and by 9:30 I was pulling out of the parking lot of my last one. That is when I got a phone call that soured my mood for the rest of the day.

I got a call that I had to go back to every machine I had just looked at and recalibrate the touch screens on all of them as well as writing down the serial number for each machine. I think the second part was a way to verify we actually did it. This meant I had to go look at all 71 machines, the most out of any of the rovers, and wait to jump- in between voters. This took me until 2pm to finish. I worked 8 hours straight with no break, it was not fun. I was pissed for the rest of the day. I was called during lunch and I simply ignored the phone. The guy had to call 3 times before I would eventually pick it up.

He was calling to ask where the drop off the replacement machine I had requested. After I ate I went to set it up and them made my third and final round to make sure the judges were competent enough to close that the end of the night. Most of them were but there was one that gave me trouble all day, so I had to be there when they closed at the end of the night.

This election was not the walk in the park it was last time. I had a total of about 3 hrs to myself in my 17 hr work day. I was quite delirious by the end of the night.

Examples:

• I asked to whoever was listening,"What is a pirate's favorite food?" "Arrrrrrby's"
• I then said it was a medical necessity to have to carry a hot beef sandwich with me at all times. I had to use it like and inhaler, which I then demonstrated.
• I discovered that 'Diarrhea Icicle' would make a good band name. Someone was kind enough to rephrase it as 'Shitcile' which is good too.
• I did a retard dance in the middle of Giant and kept refering to one of my co-workers as 'Rocket Sauce'
• And I swear I say a whore in leopard print accompanied by her sailing pimp who had a neck brace instead of a hat.

it's not my job

Over the years I have been mistaken for working at multiple places. For a guy who could not find I job forever, at times I found it frustrating. I'm sure everyone gets mistaken for being employed somewhere they are not that from time to time. I think it may have something to do with what I am wearing at the time.

A list of some of the places people have thought I worked at:

• Hot topic
• Waldenbooks
• Borders
• Cupboard Books (a used book store)
• Old Navy
• Bed, Bath and Beyond
• Spencer's
• Best Buy

The latest being Best Buy a few days ago. I stopped after work to pick up a movie. I stopped in after work and was wearing a reddish shirt and khaki pants. I looked more like I belonged in Target then Best Buy. Regardless, someone asked me if I worked there. I said 'No' and they said I had fooled them because of the badge I had dangling from my belt loop. Blue, black and maybe white shirts are possible in that store for employees to wear, but not red or any of it's variants. For the rest of the day I kept mulling over in my head how retarded that guy was.

conversations

Let me give you a little peek into the things I tend to hear in my daily routine. It is really getting harder and harder to keep a straight face when talking to some people.

One day at lunch, we talked for a few minutes about the one guy's wife's recently broken foot.

Me: Yeah, once the muscle atrophies, it will slide right in.
Guy 1: I don’t even know what that means, what did say, apostrophe?
Me: * uncontrollable laughter* No, atrophy.
Guy 1: A trophy?
Guy 2: Not a trophy, atrophy.
Me: Did you really just say apostrophe? * start laughing again*

As I walked into the morning meeting, I was greeted with:

Guy 1: Hey it’s Mister Salmon. (making a reference to the color of my shirt which was in reality more red-orange)
Me: What the hell kind of salmon do you eat?
Girl 1: Yeah Mr. Blue, Mr. Blue Green (he having a blue shirt and the last name of Green)
Guy 1: Wouldn’t that be Mr. Yellow? Green and blue make yellow.
Me: (I look at him in all seriousness) You’re retarded.
Guy 1: Well that is besides the point.
Guy 2: Green and blue make brown right?
Me: No, they don’t.
Guy 2: Well it’s at least a dark color.
Girl 1: Green and blue make purple.
Me: No, that would be red and blue.
Girl1: Oh yeah, your right.Me: Apparently no one here knows how to mix colors.
Guy 1: Wait yellow is a primary, oh I get it now.
Girl 1: I tried to make black food coloring so I could make some bats, I ended up with brown.
Guy 1: They make black coloring you know.
Girl 1: I did not feel like going to buy some.
Guy 1: Well then I guess it is some new kind of bat, a brown pygmy bat.
Me: Pygmy?
Girl 1: Yeah that would make it white.
Me: No that is albino.

Having a conversation with a 7 year old.

K: When you put this dress on her it looks like she has junk in the trunk. (referring to a Happy meal toy)
Me: What does that mean?
K: That it is full of sweets.
Me: *laugh*
K: Or it really big.
Me: *laughs harder* There's an 'OR' HAHAHAHAHAAA