stupid cookie

So I got a fortune cookie tonite. It read as follows:

"From now on your kindness will lead to your success."

If I add "in bed" at the end then I'm in business. I just need to find a lucky lady to set up shop for. If meant in the literal sense, like being kind to your fellow man, I would couple that with my occasional resemblance to Jesus and I could be a messiah. Again this gets me back to getting the ladies.

I was recently told by a girl that she did not like me. Just because I somehow pull shit out of my ass and look like an overachiever. I replied with, "I try to make enemies." The look on her face was enough. I don't know if she knew I was not being serious but it made her quiet, which is not an easy thing to do.

Where was this fortune then. HUH? Prolly being being groped by some asian's soy sauced hand while totally misunderstanding the order that was just placed by a customer.

I think they are bullshit these nuggets of inspiration on tiny pieces of paper. And they spread it on real think bumpering the message with little bitty smiley faces. They spent more time on them rather than tell me that the lucky numbers on the back were lucky. They did not even tell me they are numbers, it could be a secret message for all I know. I need to bust out me decoder yen and see what this shit says.

Oh the tumblers that will fall in line if I could beleive that such a confectionary clam held my future. We'll see how things go but I ain't holding out for anything to change.

Col. Mustard in the Kitchen with the Knife

This is the coolest knike holder I think I have ever seen.

Monster Strawberry

peach bottom

Today I heard the last thing I ever expected to hear today. I heard a woman talk about dropping her pants and hiking her 40 to 50 year old, hairy white ass up on to a scanner and scanning it for texture. Yes she said hairy. I don't know about you but when I think of a girl's ass I do not think hair. I guess she is a woman now and I would not never and I mean never think of her ass now. But did she have to say hairy. This almost made me brain vomit in my skull. Then she proceeded to inform everyone that she must have butts on the brain after making a proctologist joke later on and saying that chick peas look like little butts too. She thought she was being ridiculously funny and that she needed to calm down. What the fuck kind of kindergarden humor shit is that. Now butt puppet, there is some class and sophistication. Someday I will have to tell her that it is ok to say ass instead of butt at her age.

And a question came up as well. What the hell is a pigeon pea?

So close yet so far.

Stupid dreams not letting me get some.

Last night I had this dream where I was gonna hook up with these 2 hot chicks. "Alright...Giggity giggity giggity." They were really getting into it. Clothes had already become optional at this point. I decided that it was time to move this party to my bed. So like I usually do for myself before I can use my bed I have to remove the shite I have piled up there through out the day. The same thing had to happen in my dream. I got to work pushing and shoving things aside. I guess I did not work fast enough because I began to notice that more things where appearing on my bed than had been there to begin with. Upon further inspection I discovered that they were plates of food and the girls had put most of their clothes back on. Before I realized it, my bed had become a buffet table and the moment of passion was just a whisper in the wind. In my head I could not understand what the hell just happened. Where has the hotness snuck off to? Why was I scooping food out of troughs in my bed? Where did my pants go? I then woke up after I began question what just took place. I guess the dream fell apart at that point. Now all I can think is "WHAT A FUCKING TEASE!!" and "GOD DAMN IT!!"

Maybe they will make an encore appearance tonite. :/

Patty Bouvier

On the Simpsons after this past Sunday one of the characters came out as being gay. It was Marge's sister, Patty. To attract tourism, Springfield legalized gay marriage. To cash in on this opportunity, Homer become a priest online and started marrying couples. This lead to Patty wanting to get marry to a women she met that was a professional golfer. Things did not work out so she did not get married, so as usual no significant changes have been made to the Simpson's universe. Cuz like we all know nothing happens on the Simpson's that can not be undone by the end of the episode. I do recall an episode where Patty and Smithers where in a gay parade through Springfield. All you could see of them was one of each of their arms waving from inside a closet. I don't rememeber what the rest of the episode was about but because of this it was not a big shock when Patty came out as a lesbian.

My Spoon is too Big

The last couple days I have found myself thinking as well as saying aloud, "My spooon is tooo big." and "I am a banana." I don't know why I have been doing this but it makes me laugh everytime. I had to sit my sister down and show her so she knew what I was talking about.

This lead to me having the "My Anus is Bleeding" scene continue to run through my head.

Gray-scale Trio

This is a self portrait done by covering a sheet of paper with black charcoal and then erasing the image into the chalk. I think it is called a subtractive investigation. The first one is the original self portrait. The second is a composite of the right side duplicated and mirrored over the vertical axis to complete the face. The third is done with the left side. It shows how much different each side of the face is. Each version has it's own expression and conveyance of emotion.

--------Original-------------R-Side-------------L-Side--------

in other news...

On last Wednesday night Chris called to say that he was coming over on Thursday to talk to my parents. This call was just to make sure they were going to be there to talk with I guess. So when I got home on Thursday night, he was already there. I came into see my dad and him sitting in the living room watching tv. This has never happened before. I was odd. I knew why he was there and I will tell you in a minute. I went about my business, eating supper, talking to my niece, settling in for the night. Then I hear Chris begin to talk about what he has showed up to do.

He came to ask my parents, more so my dad really, for my their blessing for him to marry Kelly. I was not really sure what response he would get but I had a front row seat waiting to see if it was shit meets fan or yellow and mellow. It was the later of the two. My dad said that it was ultimately up to Kelly but he was ok with it. I guess the years of him being around have made this possible. Kelly was not to know about this until he proposed to her.

They left here and arrive back home as Kelly was getting home from work. Since she has to know everything, she asked where they had been. Chris said "Out and about", Kaylen said "Grandma's House". Chris denies being here but Kaylen was sticking to her story.

So on Friday, Kelly asked me if Chris was here last night. I said he was but did not know why. She questioned my mom and she said she did not know either, she added that since he was talking to me that is why he must have been here. So my sister has this mystery rolling around in her head with conflicting information. It bothers he so much I heard her muttering to herself. She left later that day still not knowing what was going on.

At some point then this past weekend, Chris finally popped the question to her. It was prolly at the formal dance they went to on Friday night. But anyway, apparently Chris got it stuck in his pocket or something, resulting in him flinging it at her rather then presenting it casually.

I guess this means that he is officially going to be part of the family.

Brain Dropping 2

Here is another page I made the same way as the first. There is a slightly different feel since this one of vertical. The only guy that made an appearance again is the guy riding the bubble. My favorite however is the curious monkey in the bucket. I changed the contrast in order for some people to see it better. You know who you are. :P

Brain Dropping 1

So this is what happens when I just draw. No rhyme nor reason to it. I let my pencil do the walking and leave thinking behind on the curb like it missed the short bus to school. It appears that I have pulled for a page from the book that is my mind. I can't tell you what it means, any of it. It up for interpretation at this point. If anyone wants to try to decipher it, let me know what you find out. There are more where this came from. My favorite is the jellyfish with the sock puppet.

Road Signs

1) JellyFish Crossing
2) A Giant Mouth instead of a Tunnel
3)Banana Peel Ahead (I blame this on too much Mario Kart)

Comic Book Guy

On the Simpsons after the SuperBowl, a long mystery was finally solved. Comic Book Guy's name was finally revealed. He introduced himself to Ned. Flanders says "Well, friend, I don't believe we've ever met." Comic Book Guys says "My name is Jeff Albertson, but everyone calls me Comic Book Guy." And that was that. He was not seen for the rest of the episode. There was no indication as to what he will be called in the future, prolly stay with Comic Book Guy. It was actually disappointing, the name that is. I don't know what I was expecting but Jeff Albertson is not as exotic as I had hoped it would be.

Movie Review: Napoleon Dynamite

After hearing the praises from my sister, who has seen it at least 10 times now, I decided to watch Napoleon Dynamite with her. All I knew going in was that it was about a geeky looking kid whose favorite animal is the liger. It turned out to be quite an amusing film I must say, just the ridiculousness of what transpires from scene to scene make it like nothing I have ever seen before. Napoleon is always talking about his mad skills and how everyone else is an idiot, GOSH! The movie has a few actors and actresses that never really did much to make themselves a household name but may be familiar to the audience. There is the girl from Waterworld, all growed up and not looking as retarded as she once did, the guy who played Oswald on the Drew Carey Show, and the guy who played Laslo in Real Genius. I got the impression that I was not watching actors perform characters, like so much Hollywood shite, but that I was watching real people who are that way everyday of their lives. My sister said, “If you are not one of the characters from the movie yourself than you know someone that is.” The soundtrack is pretty good and the tag line for the movie describes the main character better then anything I could come up with. Way back when I first heard about the film, I did not know what to think about it. Even now I don’t know, all I do know is that I could watch it again and laugh just as much if not more.

Gray Hair?

I found my first gray hair on my head the other day. I thought it was the way the light was hitting it but upon further investigation I found it to lack color. Seeing as how my hair is long there is much more of it to see. I don't see it as a big deal, it's only one, hell my sister is only 27 and she already keeps her hair dyed to hide gray. I ain't gonna be like that. I left it there because I don't care and for the chance to make it think it is getting away with something. I will get rid of it at some point I am sure, when I annoys me enough. Could be stress related, not that stress ever really gets to me. My trip to the hospital might have done it, I'm not sure. Whenever I find hairs that are another color they have already performed their metamorphasis. I have never found a hair mid-molt. Hopefully when it does go gray it is cool and not like some person who has muscle spasms decided to paint a picture on my head.

Final Installment (part 4)

An hour passes and he comes back to explain that I have 2 options.
(1) Eat some food and if that goes ok then I can go home.
(2) They put me under and jam a camera down my throat, through my stomach and them poke around at some sphincter in there connected to my gall bladder to see what is going on.

He provided the following picture, drawn on a napkin. Labels are for your convenience.


I told him I like option (1) and he said he did too. Ok so this meant I was going get some food. I did a dance of joy in my head at this point for the thought of eating. Hours past and no food came. I got a few nurses visit me to see how I was over this time.

Nurse (Sandra): “How are you feeling?”
Me: “Okay, but I am hungry.”
Nurse (Sandra): “Why?”
Me: “Because no one brought me food.”
Nurse (Sandra): “Oh, Um, I’ll go get you something.”

This happen about an hour later with another nurse and the first nurse had not come back with anything yet. Another half hour past and the doctor came in, still no food.
Doctor: “How are you feeling?”
Me: “Hungry.”
Doctor: “Did you eat?”
Me: “No.”
Doctor: “Why not?”
Me: “No one brought me anything to eat.”
Doctor: (with a look of confusion) “But I told them to.” –at this point he turned around and walked out quite bewildered.

So at about 2pm food finally arrived. At this point I would have eaten just about anything they put in front of me. Thus ended the approximate 44hr stretch without food. That was the worst part of the whole thing, the not getting to eat part with the several fake outs along the way.

Sometime past and the nurse and the doctor check up on me to see how my food was digesting. Everything was going swimmingly so they said that I would get to go home soon. I, not remembering that past day and a half I guess, got changed and packed my stuff up. I should have known I would take about 2 hrs for everything to come to fruition for me to get out. I finally did at 6pm, right after they served me another meal.

It was dark and cold when I came out, just like when I went in. It felt like I had lost 2 days of my life. I learned that at the hospital, the passage of time has different laws, there is not good communication between the chiefs and Indians, and that I almost pissed over a liter’s worth before noon.

As of now, a few days later, there is mild discomfort, but I think that is me recovering. I still make a lot of digesting noises and have to eat a low fat diet for the next week. Hopefully this is over, but I fear it is not and that it will come up again someday.
THE END?