stupid bitch

This morning while I was getting ready for work, I thought I would be nice and let Ruby run around a little before my sister got up. She was very happy to get out of her cage and she followed me around and jumped in my bed when I went to get dressed. As I sat down to put my contacts in, I look up to see her doing her little squat thing she does. She was in the process of peeing in my bed. Having only applied one contact, I yelled at her and scooped her off the bed to immediately throw her back in her pen. I returned to rip the sheet off my bed to reveal a yellow river coursing down the ravines sewn into my mattress. I was not a happy camper. I clean it up the best I could before I had to leave and figured I would clean it after work, which I did.

Ruby is not longer allowed on my bed ever. I have ignored her the whole day and she is not amused.

When I got home I told my mom about it and she replied with, "Well you can't leave it like that." Oh yes, I want to sleep in urine, it gives me that extra fresh feeling in the morning. That is what I thought in my head. My retort pissed off my mom and she went off about my attitude. Like I'm retarded and have to be told to clean things up that may be harmful to my health. She must think that I would starve and be covered in my own filth if she were not there to tell me what to do.

Evolution

Sometime over the last few days, Ruby has changed in her appearence. I mean besides the fuzziness she is continually sprouting, her ears have changed. Whether they were always going to do this of for some unknown reason, they began to stand up. This just adds to her semi-bat characteristics. It looks like she has to small radar dishes up there now. Although from time to time the one still droops a little increasing her, I hate to use the term, cuteness.

She also acts more like a cat than any dog I have ever seen. She bats things around and prowls the top of the couch. She even had the size thing going for her. I guess it would just be silly if a big beefy dog acted like a prissy cat.

hit and run

I flicked on the radio as usual in the morning to get the traffic report to plan my route to work accordingly. (I don't have a lot of choices as to how to get there but I like to trick myself into believing I do.) I was greeted with the common list of back logs with one addition. It seems that there were body parts stroon down the highway mere miles from my house. I had to wait until the news/traffic cycled around again for me to get details. From what I gathered someone got literally creamed by a big rig and got spread over an area of road. The people that had called it in were not sure what they saw on the road and knew how much of a joke it seemed like when they called the police. The highway was backed up for miles because of traffic having to be diverted. Glad I was headed the other way.

That was really the last thing I ever thought I would hear about on the radio to start off my day. As it was for most people I'm sure, it was the domainant thought running through my head today.

My Day

Yesterday morning I woke up an hour later than I normally do. One can conclude from this that I was going to be later for work. Managing to get up when I did, I had to sit and wait while my sister got my niece's ass in gear and got her finished in the bathroom so I could take a shower. This was not an easy thing to do, it never is.

So after setting a personal land speed record for getting ready in the morning, I walk outside to see our mailbox laying next to the garage. I figured that was pretty odd since last place I had seen it was nestled on a post at the end of the drive way. I then saw a rather large dent in it. Well I putting 2 and 2 together I realized someone took upon themselves to go postal slaying the previous night. As I drive through the neighborhood, I could see that we were not singled out. Very few had been spared in this onslaught.

Zipping to work in my usual fashion I flew in only about 20 minutes after 8. This caused me to have to parallel park which I never have to do since I usually arrive 20-25 of 8 and there are significantly less cars then. From then on my day was a normal as it gets.

After work I walked the block back to my car and turned the corner. My first thought was, "Where the fuck is my car?". What stood in front of me was clearly not my vehicle. Instead there sat a moving truck, right where I had been that morning. After a little investigation I come to find my car where I left it except it was now snuggly placed between the truck and the curb. There were mere inches between all the participates in this 3 way. I figured I was going to have to hang out in Carlisle a lot longer than I had wanted, but I was able to pull out with a little assisstance from a spotter and went on my merry way.

After I got home I found out that ours was not the only neighborhood struck in the crime wave, my dad was using both bathrooms just to keep up, and I had a small barking shadow for the rest of the night.

soggy bottom

Today, my mom got her second colonoscopy. It's been a year since her last one and mine. Lucky I won't have to go through with that again anytime soon. My sister refuses to admit that she will one day have a production studio up her butt.

I forgot how funny it is to watch someone have to scurry to bathroom hoping that they will make it before they make a delivery in their pants. I went through it myself and it is not fun, when you have to go you have to go right now. With my mom still not being steady on her feet, it came to the point where she was thumping along with a cane to the closest bathroom. On TV they make fun of the procedure, but not the at home prep about drinking clear fluids and cleaning out your insides the day before.

What I find even more amusing is the fact that my dad has to go through the process tomorrow for his "royal treatment" on Wednesday. He laughed at me last year, now I get to take a crack at him.

My mom is good for another 3 yrs or so. She paraphrased what the doctor said by telling me that she, "Had the perfect asshole." Ain't that a tasty thought.

conversations from work

Guy 1: "Do you even know what is going on?"
Guy 2: "Yeah, I'm paying attention ... what are we talking about?


Guy 1 talked to Guy 2 about how long his day has been and ends his statement with "... it's like the neverending story."
Me: "Well, did you at least get to ride Falcor?"
Guy 2: *blink*
Guy 1: "What?"
Me: "You know, did you get to ride Falcor?"
Guy 2: *blink**blink*
Guy 1: *blink*

I had to explain what I was talking about becasue they were both lost. They eventually understood but I had to throw around names like Bastion and Atreyu for them to catch on.

Fortunes

So I found a few fortunes in my pocket today. Here they are:

"You will have a fine capacity for the enjoyment of life."

I will huh? Any time frame on that. I could think of a few things but they are all a ways off.

"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go where there is no path...and leave a trail."

How am I do be sneaky if I leave a trail? Answer that smart-ass. I think I might have lost the path a long time ago. I cross it on occassion, but can't be bothered with it's uniformity.

"The road to success is often a lonely one."

OK THAT'S IT! I'M GONNA FUCKIN' EAT YOU, you little lying bastard. I don't have time for your nonsense. Make me believe in you damn it. Even putting "in bed" after some of these do not make them sound better. Maybe I should try my luck with fortune bananas. Now there is a mystery. How do they get the print inside the peel?

Crash

This past weekend I had the oppurtunity to watch the movie Crash. Not that stupid new one but the one by David Croneberg. And well let me just say it is odd. Basically it is about people that get off on car accidents. The people in the film are obsessed with these crashes and every aspect that goes along with them, from analyzing crash test videos to chronicling images of the wreckage, it's all in there. I can't say that I have ever seen anything like it before. One of the character states it best with, "It's something we're all intimately involved in: The
reshaping of the human body by modern technology." But that only scratches the surface of this film.

everyone is doing it

I finally got my hair cut again. Last time that was done was the last Wednesday of September. I'm not gonna explain how I remember that. The last time it should have been cut should have been for the interview for my current job. Obviously, that was not a necessary action that need to be performed.

My hair was as long as it had ever been and will probably see that length again someday. I have wanted to get it cut for a while now. Mostly because of how long it takes dry in the morning and laying on it when I am trying to sleep. Although my niece made a comment on Saturday that I looked like a woman, that had not influenece on my decision. Ah, to be seen through the eyes of a child. She based this observation of hair alone. Not that fact that I have puffy nipples. I kind of dread they day she notices.

I got a few inches cut off and my sister took notice that my hair had been longer than hers and that we seem to get the same hair cut now. I figure it will be a good sizx monthes before my next one.

work decided to up the stakes

Well, it finally happened. No not as big as other people's news but big for me. After about 2 monthes of coasting by at work, they finally decided I was ready for some projects. I'm not sure if any of you know this but in college not a single program I wrote met the full requirements that were asked of it. I was lucky just to have something to had in. Anyway, I have to make an online application to apply for jobs. Well the form itself looks great, but I have finally hit the wall. The wall I always hit in my classes. The one that I never got over. I'm at the point where I don't know shit about what I am doing and have wasted the last few days trying to figure it out. This is actually kind of important, I actually have to make this work, seeing as how this is my job now.

After this I have to create a application to access a database through a Blackberry phone. Yeah even less of a clue there. This project is one of the deciding factors that will determine if my department gets Blackberries for everyone. Although I'm not sure if I get one side I rarely leave my cube.

In addition to all this I have to revamp the county website to the specifications of a frustrated former art major. His idea is half assed and if that is the best he has then I can see why he failed.

I think I have finally started to curb my unintentional sleeping habits at work. I guess we will see.

reasons my mother is insane

#107 My mom claims that one of the pairs of pants I wear for work are too short. While the other pants that I wear are ok. The pants in question are the same size as all the rest. They could not be any different then the others. They were all bought at the same place, and she was there to witness it. She demands that I discontinue use and hand them over. She even picked up a pair to swap them for. I refuse because there is nothing wrong with them. She says something about them almost everyday. As time goes on she makes comments about other people's pants being too short. I have no idea what this obsession is.

#145 I wear undershirts at work. My mom does can not comprehend why I would want to during the summer but that is not the point. She saw me wearing one after work one day and she said, "That is anything but white and should be thrown away". What she fails to hear me say or even acknowledge is that I had only gotten it out of the package that morning. There is not way it could be whiter, that is the way ot came. I also blame the poor lighting in my house as a cause of the dingey off white. She insisted on bleaching them, making them atomic white. I don't care what they look like because no one sees them at work. I guess I don't get it.